Saturday, 4th April 2020

The Arsenal midfielder's guide to self-isolation

HEY. I’m an Arsenal midfielder who must remain anonymous currently self-isolating due to the risk of having contracted coronavirus. Here’s how I’m getting through it. 

Clear the house

Think you’re alone? Think again. When you live in a 16-bedroom mansion you might think you’re self-isolating only to discover that you’ve forgotten about your spare girlfriend, the staff of a charity foundation you set up and forgot about, and six cousins who’ve been playing cards with your money since 2013. Kick them all to the curb. 

Stay off social media

Everyone wants to know every detail of my life because I’m amazing. That’s just a fact. But what’s not amazing is the coronavirus, my agent tells me. So posing in a Versace suit on a bed covered in 500€ notes is apparently ‘tasteless’. 

Stay out of your cars

That’s a Lamborghini Aventador LP770-4 SVJ with only 600 on the clock, bro. It doesn’t need your COVID-19 reducing its value. However strong the temptation, don’t take it out for a little run. Wait until the nation’s in quarantine and the roads are empty.

Stockpile ripped jeans

The distressed denim industry is mainly based in Italy, and those dudes are in trouble. Within a few weeks there might be no more jeans ripped from crotch to ankle available and you’d need to recycle a previously worn pair. Stock up now. 

Don’t move to China

If you’re like me, the majority of calls, texts and emails you receive every day are offering you tens of millions to move to China. Now, more than ever, you have to be careful not to accidentally say yes to one. 

Ignore all of the above advice

I’m a Premier League footballer which means no laws apply to me and I can do whatever you want all the time. I don’t have to follow any rules, even if I just made them. So yeah. Hope all that was relatable.