SCHOOL closures due to the coronavirus could lead to extremely condescending lessons at home, the children of middle-class liberals fear.
Thousands of youngsters have noticed their Guardian-reading parents becoming increasingly excited about the chance to prove they are better than professional teachers.
Thomas Logan, aged eight, said: “Daddy was thrilled about schools shutting down in Italy, and brought a whiteboard home from his office. I have no illusions about what is coming.
“Mummy’s put desks and chairs in the garage and there’s a timetable on the wall with ‘Gender Awareness Studies’ three times a week and something called ‘Non-Competitive Exercise Hour’.
“Last night they drank two bottles of Rioja and starting ranting about the ‘whitewashing of history’. Then they started googling obscure black historical figures. That’s going to be painful.”
Dad Graham Logan said: “I’m hoping the school doesn’t shut down. I’d hate to prove I am a gifted history graduate who really should have his own series on BBC2.”