Guardian readers' children fear outbreak of homeschooling

SCHOOL closures due to the coronavirus could lead to extremely condescending lessons at home, the children of middle-class liberals fear.

Thousands of youngsters have noticed their Guardian-reading parents becoming increasingly excited about the chance to prove they are better than professional teachers.

Thomas Logan, aged eight, said: “Daddy was thrilled about schools shutting down in Italy, and brought a whiteboard home from his office. I have no illusions about what is coming.

“Mummy’s put desks and chairs in the garage and there’s a timetable on the wall with ‘Gender Awareness Studies’ three times a week and something called ‘Non-Competitive Exercise Hour’.

“Last night they drank two bottles of Rioja and starting ranting about the ‘whitewashing of history’. Then they started googling obscure black historical figures. That’s going to be painful.”

Dad Graham Logan said: “I’m hoping the school doesn’t shut down. I’d hate to prove I am a gifted history graduate who really should have his own series on BBC2.”

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Meet the government's crack anti-coronavirus team

IN a crisis it’s important to feel you can trust your leaders. But we live in Britain, so here are the chancers and idiots standing between the country and disaster.

Matt Hancock, health secretary

The man who said the NHS would have ‘no privatisation on my watch’ then tendered out 21 contracts hasn’t even been able to prevent coronavirus in his own ministerial team. Expected to advise that the best treatment is a satsuma and plenty of press-ups.

Grant Shapps, transport secretary

Vital supplies must keep coming during a pandemic. And by ordering under all of his different online aliases, Shapps has already cornered the Westminster handwash market and is selling it to cabinet members for £30 a bottle.

Liz Truss, secretary of state for international trade

Notorious moron who was shocked and furious to discover that Britain imports cheese. It’s good to know Liz will be on hand if there are food shortages, perhaps suggesting people tuck into a healthy, locally-sourced salad of wolfsbane and foxglove.

Priti Patel, home secretary

Patel’s bullying, authoritarian streak could prove useful if coronavirus causes civil unrest. That’s if she hadn’t thoroughly alienated the police as the Tories tend to these days. Also she’d round up Remainers first and rioters second.

Dominic Raab, foreign secretary

Has a brilliant mind for geography and logistics, correctly noticing that Britain is an island and the Calais-Dover route is important for trade. Even as you read this he is studying the feasibility of sending people with the virus to the Falklands in rowing boats.

Boris Johnson, prime minister

Hardworking, honest, reliable – none of these words apply to Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. He now has the added responsibility of a new family to abandon, so coronavirus is probably about ninth on his list of priorities, after proving definitively that it’s not his fault.