The horror of Crazy Frog explained to the under-25s, by a survivor

by Nathan Muir, aged 45

YOU’LL never know what it was like in the mid-00s. The torture we were put through. The unimaginable horror. But, as It threatens to return, I’ll try to explain. 

Before then, frogs were genial, loveable characters. Kermit from the Muppets. The Budweiser Whazzap frogs. Those lovely fellas from Paul McCartney’s career low, We All Stand Together. 

Then, without warning, came Crazy Frog. Devised by the CIA as part of their psyops programme for use in Guantanamo Bay, he escaped into mass consciousness like a weaponised virus from a Wuhan lab.

Picture a blue cartoon frog wearing an old-fashioned motorbike helmet, goggles, an undersized leather jacket and nothing else. His penis dangling as free as the wind. Yeah. His penis.

Then imagine him imitating a moped as he pretended to ride one. Noises irritating enough to shatter fragile minds. Then imagine the twat you work with who gets 200 calls a day downloading it as his ringtone.

Even if you hated Crazy Frog, like an estimated 100 per cent of the population did, you couldn’t escape him. He had a number one f**king single. Horror was piled on horror. Merchandise. Three albums.

In time, his star faded. Those of us who’d made it through believed he was gone. We built families, lives. But now his dreadful shadow threatens to fall on us again with a Christmas single.

Know this, millennials and Zoomers. He was the f**king worst. So whenever anyone older criticises your irritating TikTok bullshit, remind them of Crazy Frog. That’ll shut them up.

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Six f**king obvious questions anti-maskers really need to ask

IF wearing a mask is fascist government oppression, what is it meant to achieve? Here are the questions anti-maskers avoid asking: 

What’s the overall point?

Getting people to wear a mask means you’ve cleverly tricked them into wearing a thin face covering. They are now your obedient puppets who can be made to do anything, so long as it’s wearing a thin face covering. It’s not exactly The Manchurian Candidate.

Are masks really oppression?

Covering your face in Tesco isn’t a classic symptom of life under tyranny. O’Brien didn’t threaten to pop a lightweight cloth mask on Winston Smith in Nineteen Eighty-Four. It’s only useful as an instrument of terror if you can’t imagine anything worse than your glasses misting up.

Cui bono?

Who profits? Well, Tory cronies have cashed in on dodgy PPE, test-and-trace, and so on. Pretty disgusting, but worth the expense, hassle and unpopularity of a fake pandemic? No. It’s like faking your own death to avoid a 45-minute Skype chat with your in-laws.

Is Covid really no worse than flu?

If Covid doesn’t either exist or is no worse than ‘the Spanish flu’, as dickheads suggest, who’s killing so many people? Thanos? Why are 1.4 million NHS workers lying about it? Who’s orchestrating this global conspiracy, and why do you imagine you’re intelligent enough to see through it?

Is the New World Order really involved?

More to the point, is there any evidence the New World Order exists? Which world leaders are keen to give up power to a single world government? Boris Johnson? Jair Bolsonaro? Xi Jinping? None of them can even agree on bloody climate change.

Why do anti-maskers keep getting Covid?

Attending protests unmasked and unvaccinated seem to result in symptoms exactly like Covid. Perhaps Mossad are using low-frequency sound generators to replicate fake Covid. Or the government has engineered and released a real virus to cover up their fake virus. Yes. That makes sense. You should wear a mask.