The Mash guide to Prince George's godparents

A COMPLETE list of your future master’s newly-appointed guardians.

The Undertaker – Charismatic Wrestlemania champion will teach the young Prince to deal with conflict head-on and provide him with a valuable example of how the undead live, which will be useful from about 2039 onwards.

Michael Corleone – The original and best, a traditional godfather who will guide the Prince’s hand in matters of diplomacy and mercilessly crush his enemies.

Benedict Cumberbatch – America’s idea of what a posh person is like will be able to educate George in how to winningly portray a person from a higher social class without being a complete braying irrelevance.

Chance The Rapper – Up-and-coming Chicago hip hop star making waves with his Acid Rap mixtape released earlier this year, whose debut album has sparked a major label bidding war.

King Harald of Norway, Prince of Schelswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksberg – Gives the best horsey rides.

Galactus – The Devourer of Worlds, who can imbue his chosen Heralds with the Power Cosmic, is an old pal of William’s from St Andrew’s University.

Jennifer Lawrence – The Oscar-winning actress has signed up to play the part of Kate’s schoolfriend Emilia Jardine-Paterson, who was replaced after scoring badly with focus groups.

Pete Doherty – The Duchess of Cambridge’s favourite 00s indie performer will provide first-hand experience of the British justice system, our punitive penal code, the failing war on drugs and life in the age of Dickens.

Arm Holdings – Cambridge-based microprocessing giant behind the smartphone revolution has paid a reported £220million over 18 years to be a godparent to the new Prince.

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Yorkshire Tour de France to allow old men in bathtubs

THE two Yorkshire stages of the Tour de France will include the county’s pensioners in homemade comedy vehicles.

Roughly a third of Yorkshire’s population are affable pensioners who accidentally travel using baths, desks, and Bessemer converters which have been repurposed as vehicles.

A spokesman for Visit Yorkshire said: “You can’t visit God’s Own County without witnessing a cloth cap-clad 76-year-old crashing a makeshift gyrocopter into a river, and we’re delighted the Tour is honouring that tradition.

“Old men enjoying second childhoods should begin their contraptions now, in good time for them to lurch unexpectedly into life, taking them through the Tour and into a hedge to the mournful sound of a trombone.”

Already entered into the Yorkshire legs of the Tour de France, officially called T’Tour, are a mine cart, a double-decker wheelchair, a tractor-tyre unicycle, a grandfather clock rocket sled and a Robin Reliant.

Tour director Christian Prudhomme said: “We are keen to recognise local traditions in the Tour, even if they are very, very stupid.

“Though none of these entrants will be allowed to take part in the subsequent Cambridge to London stage. This is a serious event, and for that section all the cyclists must be riding the regulation Sinclair C5.”