There was literally no way of telling Jimmy Savile wasn't completely normal. By Prince Charles

A NETFLIX documentary has exposed Jimmy Savile’s worryingly close relationship with the Royal Family. Here Prince Charles reveals he is still astonished at how events transpired.

I do not feel I was taken in by Jimmy Savile. There were simply no clues that this popular entertainer who loved nothing more than hugging a child for up to 25 minutes was anything other than a wonderful chap.

Yes, there were subtle hints. ‘Steer well clear, your highness, he’s a f**king nonce’, as one of my police bodyguards put it. But I assumed it was simply ‘tall poppy syndrome’, similar to the jealousy directed at me for my highly successful biscuit business.

Jimmy seemed so normal. He loved charity walks in the countryside, thoughtfully bringing his camper van to so his young fans could enjoy a glass of squash with all the curtains closed. A ride in his Rolls Royce was never too much trouble, unless you were an adult, at which point he became quite irritable. 

Moreover he had a wealth of knowledge my privileged upbringing denied me. He knew all about the new ‘popular music’, what time schools closed for the day, and where to buy French letters in seemingly any town in the UK!

Naturally I did not hesitate to ask his advice. When I was having marital problems with Diana, he astutely realised the age difference was an issue. Jimmy kindly offered to ‘sort me out’ with ‘some cracking birds off Top of the Pops‘, but I felt I should try to save my marriage and feigned interest in the wretched Duran Duran instead.

And of course there was his tireless work for hospitals. He was very spiritual, with a great respect for patients who sadly passed away. He couldn’t wait to get to the mortuary, ‘to pay my respects in Uncle Jimmy’s special way’, as he put it.

Now, older and wiser, I often ask myself: ‘Was Jimmy innocent all along?’ Was it just rumours spread by those envious of the success of Jim’ll Fix It and his friendship with Margaret Thatcher? I must do further research and, if necessary, clear the good name of Jimmy and have a statue of him erected in Trafalgar Square.

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The wanker's guide to using French phrases in everyday speech

DO you want to experience the joie de vivre that comes with unnecessarily using French words in everyday conversation? Pretentious wanker Julian Cook shares his tips.

Read your audience 

You may think people willingly chatting to you is a good sign. Au contraire! To really be sure your twattishness is landing, look out for wincing, sniggering or retching. And if the person you’re talking to finds an excuse to leave the room, that’s fait accompli, mon ami!  

Do the accent  

Trying to sound French may feel like a faux pas but if you use your own accent, you risk people not realising quite how pretentious you’re being. To prove yourself a twat par excellence, if you’re having a tête-à-tête with someone, give yourself carte blanche to really go guttural. The more spit flies from your lips, the better you’re doing. 

Push it further 

Vis-à-vis frequency, you may think the odd French phrase here and there is enough, but if you want to prove you’re the crème de la crème of dickheads, you’ll need to use French all the time, from ordering your daily café au lait in Starbucks, right through to asking people if they voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? The answer will be ‘no’, by the way.

Look the part 

For that extra je ne sais quoi, consider how you dress as well as what you say. You could do the obvious and pop on a beret, but any item of clothing that highlights your status as a pretentious twat will do: par exemple, consciously mismatched socks or a weird 70s-style polo neck. Consider yourself an agent provocateur!

Get your priorities straight

People may not understand what you’re saying a lot of the time, but ç’est la vie! If you start peppering your sentences with French tout de suite you’ll be communicating something much bigger than language – you’ll be telling the world what a sphincter you are. That’s far more important, n’est-ce pas? Say au revoir to all your friends and bonjour to the new, quasi-French you.