This is a new low for me, says 'gate' suffix

THE ‘gate’ suffix, used for political scandals since 1972’s Watergate, has admitted that yesterday’s Traingate is a new low. 

The row, concerning whether a bearded scruff sat on a train floor or not, has seen the 44-year-old suffix checking into a rehabilitation clinic. 

It said: “People didn’t used to throw ‘gate’ around like this for nothing. I was a player, reserved for really major scandals.  

“Remember Contragate, in the 80s? Or Monicagate? Hell, even Squidgygate concerned the mother of a future head of state. 

“But since the turn of the century, and my divorce, I’ve taken any gig. Betsygate, Sachsgate, Janet Jackson’s Nipplegate, whatever. 

“But this has to be rock bottom. A row about how long a socialist sat on a train floor, whether the seats he passed were reserved, and his opportunity to lose the next election? 

“I tell you, with Traingate, ‘gate’ took a long hard look at himself in the mirror and didn’t like what he saw. I’m cleaning up my act, starting now.” 

The suffix is next expected to be seen in next month’s Freddogate, concerning the above-inflation price rise of the confectionery item to 30p. 


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Mulholland Drive voted best film by group of drooling perverts

DAVID Lynch’s Mulholland Drive has been voted the best film of the 21st century by a group of disgusting and sweaty men.

Mulholland Drive narrowly beat Blue is the Warmest Colour  and Nymphomaniac Parts 1 and 2 in a diverse top three linked only by high levels of artistic achievement.

Lonely wank monster and internet film critic Martin Bishop said: “The cinematography is simply to die for and the story is both thought-provoking and poetic.

Plus you can knock one out about six times throughout the film and not get bored.”

He added: “However there is a bit where Naomi Watts is walking round the back of a diner and something happens. Don’t be doing anything then because it’s going to scare the shit out of you and you might end up injuring yourself.”

David Lynch said: “It’s definitely my sexiest film, apart perhaps from The Elephant Man.”