EVERY publication of record in the UK must have plans in place for when the inevitable happens. Here is how the Daily Mash will observe the tragic loss of Mr Blobby.
Three days of silent mourning
Once confirmation has been received from Crinkley Bottom, our offices will lie vacant for three days and the site will be replaced by a black screen. Editors, writers and angry Facebook commenters alike must keep a solemn and respectful silence for 72 hours.
A subsequent three days of celebration
After the allotted period of reflection, we will return with tributes to the life and times of the nation’s pink-and-yellow jester, with tributes from celebrity friends like Noel Edmonds, Vicki Michelle, and Archbishop Desmond Tutu.
Replacing all instances of the word ‘the’ with ‘Blobby’
For an unspecified number of weeks following the celebration period, we will replace all instances of the word ‘the’ in our articles with ‘Blobby’. Sentences like ‘Blobby prime minister will today announce blobby largest cuts to public services blobby country has ever seen’ will bring us together.
A ritualistic bonfire
When the state funeral begins, the company’s HR manager will light a ceremonial 40ft high bonfire, on which we will burn our cherished Blobby memorabilia and copies of his classic Christmas number one, Mr Blobby.
A pilgrimage to Crinkley Bottom
Following the televised funeral, all editorial staff and readers are invited to take part in a pilgrimage from London to one of the three failed Crinkley Bottom theme parks. There, amid the ruins, they can sign a condolence book and be gunged by his ashes.