AFTER issuing a categorical denial that Boris Johnson is unwell and losing his grip, a Downing Street spokesman has issued a further, more specific denial.
Responding to questions from journalists, the spokesman confirmed that any speculation that the prime minister had arrived at the Bank of England with a sack demanding that staff ‘fill the f**ker up and fast’ was absolute nonsense.
The spokesman continued: “Boris Johnson is in great form. He is never found wearing a child’s nightshirt, smeared in mud, telling Nanny he had a terrible nightmare where he was king.
“Stories that Johnson called Russia blind drunk at 3am, asking what secrets will buy him a passport and a dacha by the sea, are unverifiable and from a single untrustworthy source.
“There are no drug dealers arriving at the back door at all hours, shooting him up with narcotic cocktails, and leaving with national art treasures tucked under their arms as payment. The mobile phone video where he says ‘I can see time!’ is fake.
“If he has soiled his trousers it is because he is working so hard for a better Britain. Notes passed to visiting heads of state reading ‘plees help me’ are jokes. He is not afraid of either numbers or the wallpaper watching him.
“In short, everything is absolutely fine and the prime minister is hale and hearty. He’d tell you himself if he wasn’t currently indisposed. Ignore that howling. A dog got in.”
