Five legitimate reasons not to get out of bed this morning

YOUR alarm has just gone off. Here’s why you’re absolutely justified in ignoring it: 

It’s bloody freezing

You’re snuggled up under a soft, 12-tog duvet while your house is so cold it could preserve meats. Trying to leave the bed would be like going from a sauna to an icy plunge pool and could stop your heart instantly. Turning off snooze is just your natural survival instincts from palaeolithic times.

You’d have to get dressed

Dragging yourself into a standing position is only the first painful step. There’s so much that’s worse that comes after. Dousing yourself in water, working yourself dry, yanking fabric over your limbs, ramming burnt toast into your mouth while searching for keys. It’s unreasonable to expect anyone to do that, and you’re prepared to argue your case.

Nobody would mind

Seriously, if you didn’t, who would care? We all stayed home during the pandemic and the world kept turning. Your colleagues would happily skip a day of your bullshit, your partner doesn’t want to see your scowling face, your kids would give not a shit if told to get their own breakfast and forget school. You’d be doing it for them. You’re an altruist.

Nothing beats bed

Bed is the superhero of places to be. You can wank, doze, fart at will, eat cereal, watch Gogglebox, imagine yourself being on Gogglebox while watching Gogglebox, wank again. Where else can you shift so comfortably between these stellar activities? What is there out there that’s better?

You hate your life

Stop and think for a moment. What are you actually getting up for? An average day is full of shitty things like tangled headphones and decisions about what to have for lunch. Rolling over and drifting back to sleep is loving yourself and putting yourself first, like Adele and Meghan Markle say you should. F**k the alarm. You’re staying in bed.

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Poor people to stay poor: the new social care cap explained

CONFUSED by the changes to the social care cap? Find out how it will f**k you over with our guide: 

Poor people to stay poor

You know the deal. If you’re flush with cash a tiny sliver of your fortune will be skimmed off to pay for care and the government picks up the rest. If you’re struggling to make ends meet after a lifetime of hard work, the state’s having the lot. It’s the same logic Britain’s operated under for centuries, but a bit shitter.

The North’s getting f**ked again

Social care will be linked to the value of your house, which is fantastic news if you live in an affluent, by-coincidence-Tory-voting area. It’s a total rip-off if you live in a terraced house in Bradford, but after HS2 getting scrapped you’re expecting no less.

Something about assets and £86,000

Have you got assets of up to £100,000? Of course not, but if you did then you would have to fork out to the tune of £86,000. If you somehow have more than £100,000 you’ll have to stump up some dosh as well until the system bleeds every penny out of you. You can’t say fairer than that.

You’re losing your house

‘No-one will sell their home to pay for care’ was on the Conservative manifesto in 2019, so your home’s already gone. Because this government doesn’t mean anything it says and U-turns on everything whenever it wants. You voted for a shambolic clusterf**k and that’s what you’re getting.

Even Jeremy Hunt didn’t want to get involved

The former health secretary was so disgusted by the plans that he urged colleagues to vote for them while personally abstaining. Almost as if he’s playing the long game and plans revenge against Boris after getting stitched up in the last leadership contest. Will it ruin the country? What, more?