EVERYONE in Britain have been told to stop banging on about how knackered they are because so is everyone else.
Approximately 98 per cent of the population of the UK is currently telling anyone near them how bloody exhausted they are, and the other two per cent are babies screaming about it.
Steve Malley of Coventry said: “Once, the standard response to ‘how are you?’ was ‘Fine thanks’ then both parties would move on with their days.
“But now everyone’s started replying, ‘Absolutely f**ked mate, slept like a bastard last night’ which forces the first person to say ‘You’re knackered? I was wide awake at 4am’ and before you know it you’re locked into a death spiral of fatigue-bragging.
“We spend an estimated 105 minutes a day on it, time which could be better spent having a lovely long nap.
“The truth is, no one cares how shattered anyone is or how early it gets dark or what you binge-watched or why you’re stressed or when you wake up or any of that shit. Let’s all stop pissing about on Twitter until 1am and get an early night.”
Sleep expert Dr Helen Archer said: “I’ve got all the research for a definitive study about this phenomenon of mass exhaustion but I’m far too tired to pull it together. Seriously, I can hardly keep my eyes open.”