'I do not brief the press' says furious William in private press briefing

THE Duke of Cambridge has denied allegations that he privately briefs the media in a private briefing to the media. 

As the Royal family once again all slag each other off for our moral betterment, the heir to the throne has flatly denied briefing friendly media contacts leading the public to presume they got that information by f**king telepathy.

A non-attributable off-the-record source said: “William? Never met him. No, he’s not here and he’s certainly not on the line. That heavy breathing is my dog.

“Anyway, by a method I cannot divulge I can confirm that the Duke of Cambridge is furious with his brother for openly running to the American media because that’s not how it’s done, the ginger snitch.

“Why he and his woke Yank crybaby wife couldn’t simply nuture a network of contacts by drip-feeding them stories about other Royals he’ll never understand. Leak some filth on Andrew. Nobody will complain.

“It is disappointing when overblown and unfounded claims are given credibility. No, not the stuff about Meghan bullying staff. That’s gospel. Kate saw the bitch flushing a maid’s head in a toilet herself. She says print that, but don’t say it’s from her.”

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex continue to be in California, where they do not have to give any of this the least bit of attention.

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The Tory guide to knocking off your parents to keep their house

NEW social care laws mean your elderly parents will have to sell their home to pay for their care, unless they live in the South-East. Care minister Gillian Keegan explains how to hang onto your inheritance: 

Stairs are the perfect accomplice

Nobody wants to see their parents fall to their deaths, so as a precaution loosen a couple of stairs to see if they pose a risk. Don’t mention it as you don’t want to worry them unnecessarily. Unplug any hallway phones and take them to be tested as part of your home safety MOT.

Cook for them

So much can go wrong in the kitchen, and it’s non-attributable. Show gratitude to your parents for their house which will soon be yours by making a lovely meal. Don’t overcook the chicken. Check that it’s a nice pink/reddish colour, so cooked through while still deliciously tender.

Be aware of trip hazards

Old people often live in cluttered homes full of things they could easily trip over. Protect them by buying lots of small rugs and draught excluders in the shape of snakes and sausage dogs so that if they do take a tumble they’ll have a nice soft landing.

Keep them warm 

Colds and flu can be killers for the elderly, so keep them warm. An electric fire balanced on the bath takes the chill off the room. Get their boiler replaced too, and they’d probably like an old traditional one, so buy second-hand or from a skip. The Blitz generation aren’t bothered by that carbon monoxide nonsense.

Accept they’re not getting any younger

If they’re very old – say, 70 – it’s time to think about their dignity. Letting them rot away in a comfy care home with friendly staff is downright cruel when you can cut brake cables and suggest a lovely day out at nearby cliffs.

The direct approach

Let’s not beat around the bush. It’s your birthright to inherit their parents’ house so you’re entirely justified in murdering them. Many poisons are hard to detect, and professional killers are cheaper than ever. The main thing is to do what’s right, and that’s us not losing votes over a bunch of decrepit bloody oldies.