PALOMA Faith says ‘Free Palestine!’ when she tucks her children up at night, ensuring they will grow up to become Tories. How are you being a smug left-wing parent?
Going on marches
‘Have you got your signs, kids?’ you ask at the door on your way to another jolly Saturday at a protest. Will it be Palestine, or Pride, or workers’ rights? (It will be Palestine.) And after a lovely march they’ll enjoy a packed quinoa lunch and an afternoon at a niche museum. So much better than football or television!
Making them vegan
Of course there’s no coercion, it’s Rosa and Cesar’s own choice to eschew all animal products in their diets. They had the option to buy their own food using money they’d earned and to cook it themselves if they wanted to eat meat but, aged five and eight respectively, they didn’t.
Providing an alternative learning environment
School covers the basics, but its nationalist bias means children are woefully unaware of the Mangrove Nine, the Greenham Common women or the Jarrow March. To balance that, you lead your little ones gently into contemplation of injustice by placing Soviet posters in their bedrooms and reading bedtime stories by Howard Zinn.
Helping their linguistic development
Children are so darling when they’re first acquiring language, with wonderfully garbled syntax that might, on examination, show structural prejudice. Once they’re fluent in phrases like ‘labour organiser’, ‘military-industrial complex’ and ‘learned behaviours of white supremacy’ they’ll soon be correcting all their classmates!
Steering them toward the correct toys
Reactionary relatives may attempt to give your children toys glorifying the army, or motor vehicles, or horse ownership, or if it’s a Furby, AI. These do untold damage and if given the option your children would certainly reject them so there’s no need to give them the option. They love their wooden toys carved by Sandinistas in the Nicaraguan jungle!
Encouraging them to make their own choices
Finally, unlike other people’s children who are indoctrinated into the ways of capitalism from birth, your progeny are free to make their own decisions. That’s what liberated parenthood is all about. And if they choose to support all your causes, what a wonderful vindication of your ideals as a parent! You knew you were right.
