UK celebrates royal pregnancy with traditional media bullshit

BRITAIN is celebrating the royal pregnancy in the traditional way with nauseating tabloid headlines and inane daytime TV speculation.

The media has begun its time-honoured ritual of producing a huge glut of fuckwitted articles and broadcasts that completely overestimates public interest in the baby.

Tabloid editor Roy Hobbs said: “We’ve made a good start with our front page headline ‘NICE ONE BRUV, SAYS HARRY’, which is completely fictional and frankly a bit strange.

“However most of our coverage will be twee, saccharine gloop we think appeals to women, so expect lots of stories like ‘Scrummy mummy: Glowing Kate looks as though motherhood was made for her!’

“We’ll also be printing idiotic tweets as if they’re news. Tomorrow we’re running a whole page of illiterate toss like ‘Royle baby, Diana is you’re guardian angel now. B strong little won xxx.’”

Daytime TV producer Donna Sheridan said: “On today’s show we got a top psychic to predict the baby’s personality. Luckily they’re going to be dependable like Wills but also fun like Kate.

“Tomorrow our resident TV doctor Roger will be discussing whether Kate will suffer from double incontinence after the birth. I think we all want to know about that.”

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Cockroaches following North Korea story with growing interest

THE NEXT dominant species on the planet is following the news from North Korea with growing interest and enthusiasm.

Cockroach Wayne Hayes, who sees himself as a potential world leader after the fall of humanity, said: “There’s a lot of potential in all this and I’m totally glued to the Guardian’s live news feed.

“Like most humans I do not understand what is going on, but the words ‘underground nuclear test’ ‘annihilation’ and ‘fire and fury’ suggest that it’s bad.

“Or good, if you’re a dynamic, evolved insect species ready to emerge from the ashes, start doing a bit of basic agriculture with tame worms and build things up from there.”

However female cockroach Mary Fisher said: “I don’t like the way Wayne’s gotten so into this. His antennae are twitching uncontrollably with excitement and it’s horrible to watch.

“I think humans are okay. Squeamish to the point of idiocy, but essentially fine.”