Woman who just wanted an Egg McMuffin on the train really not having best day

A WOMAN who just wanted an Egg McMuffin on the train to work is having a bad day, it has been confirmed.

Teacher Emma Bradford said: “Everyone’s on bloody strike. The trains, the staff at Maccies, the local workmen.

I’m assuming they were on strike anyway as they were just standing round drinking tea looking surly, but in fairness they look like that every day so it’s hard to tell.”

Martin Bishop, from Swindon, added: “It’s just so bloody easy for them to go on strike, isn’t it?”

I’m self-employed as a shoplifter, stealing things. Where’s my union, eh?”

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Kate and William excited to announce birth control accident

WILLIAM and Kate have announced a wonderful contraception mishap.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge described the birth control fuck up as ‘a delightful surprise’.

Prince William said: “I can confirm that my wife and I have done something utterly brilliant that we did not fully intend to do.

“Two is enough, you might think, and I quite agree. But shit happens.

“You lot have got to pay for it anyway, so we’re not too bothered.”

The accident have been blamed on the royal condom ‘Chevalier’, which was stitched together from goat bladders in 1384 and has since been shared among the Windsor males. Royal expert Nikki Hollis said: “It looks like a deflated rugby ball and smells like a barn.”