Worker back from holiday pretends to spend day deleting emails

A WORKER is pretending to spend a whole day deleting emails after a two-week holiday.

Marketing co-ordinator Wayne Hayes claims to be having a ‘nightmare’ managing his ‘literally thousands’ of emails, even though he is really just dicking about on the internet.

Hayes said: “I’ve got emails with spreadsheets, emails with photos, emails that are just words…so many emails. Sadly I won’t be able to get any actual work done today, or for most of tomorrow, because of deleting these damn emails.”

However colleagues pointed out that Hayes probably has only about a dozen emails if you don’t count all the ones that are obviously irrelevant like ‘Re: Jan’s mug missing again’ and one titled ‘Free cake in kitchen’ from last Tuesday.

Co-worker Nikki Hollis said: “He could just delete all the bullshit ones without reading them, which would take about ten minutes.

“I can see his monitor reflected in the window and he’s currently looking at a slide show called ‘Jennifer Aniston’s 20 Hottest Moments’.

“To be honest though, our work is totally pointless anyway and we’re all basically prisoners here, so fair play to him.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

I have no f**king idea where I'm going with this, admits Kim Jong-un

KIM Jong-un is not really sure what his nuclear weapons programme is meant to achieve, he has admitted.

The North Korean dictator now feels it may have been a mistake to spend a large part of his country’s GDP antagonising powerful enemies with absolutely nothing to gain.

Jong-un said: “I should have done a nuclear programme ‘aims and objectives’ document, or at least a ‘pros and cons’ list.

“To be honest I got carried away with how cool the missiles looked and didn’t plan ahead about who I was going to threaten with nuclear devastation.

“Sure I’d like to conquer South Korea, but even China will kick my arse if I try anything there. And Christ knows why I threatened Japan. I must have been really bored that afternoon.

“Now I’ve got this crappy missile project and no idea what to do with it. Maybe we could turn it into some sort of ‘nuclear rocket train’. Would that work, or am I just talking bollocks?

“Next time I have a crazy megalomaniacal idea I’m going to run it past other people first. This will teach me to keep executing my close advisors with an anti-aircraft gun.

“I suppose we could use the rockets to build a massive fortress on the moon. No…it’s that sort of thinking that got me into this mess in the first place.”