Vatican accidentally beatifies Ringo

THE Catholic Church last night beatified Ringo Starr by mistake.

The accidental voodoo ceremony now means Yellow Submarine will form a central part of the Roman Catholic Mass and Jesuits must wear the silver jumpsuit modelled by Starr on the cover of his 1974 solo album Goodnight Vienna.

Senior Vatican officials blamed the error on a ‘bureaucratic snafu, probably caused by Windows 7’, but stressed that once you have beatified someone you can’t just take it back.

But Monsignor Alfredo Orsini stressed Ringo was not a saint yet, adding: “We still need a second miracle. The first one being, of course, that Octopus’s Garden doesn’t actually sound that bad.”

The Beatles ‘drummer’ said: “It’s great being the second holiest man alive, after Paul, and I promise that I will only use my superpowers to do good.

“I always thought John was wrong when he said we were bigger than Jesus. All I’ve ever wanted is to be the same as Jesus. Now I am and it’s ace.

“May Ringo be with you.”

The Vatican is bracing itself for a slew of applications for sainthood from former rock stars, with three quarters of ELO already looking to be canonised on the basis they sounded quite like the Beatles.

Orsini added: “We’ll assess each application on a case-by-case basis but I can already tell Supertramp not to bother. Breakfast in America my giddy arse.”

Sainthood expert Nathan Muir said: “Perhaps the second miracle could be that George was a secret kiddy fiddler and that somehow Ringo didn’t know anything about it.”


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Britain overjoyed by union of buttocks

BRITAIN has been inspired and energised by the joining together of Pippa Middleton’s left and right buttocks.

What began as a expensive and tedious royal wedding was elevated by the Duchess of Cambridge’s attractive sister to what many experts are describing as ‘the bottom event of the century’.

Teacher Martin Bishop said: “You only had to look at those two, happy young buttocks to see they were meant to be together.

“I don’t normally get emotional about weddings, but Pippa’s perfect meat pillows of joy actually brought tears to my eyes and also made me do a bit of dribble.

“I have no doubt those cheeks smell of high grade pot pourri and taste like the most expensive cherries that Waitrose can muster.”

He added: “Indeed, I became so overwhelmed by their majestic spectacle that I had to excuse myself from the lounge and spend ten minutes alone in the spare bedroom, contemplating their splendour in a suitably humble kneeling position with the door locked from the inside.”

Father-of-two Stephen Malley said: “It’s really wonderful that the world still has a Middleton sister about whom it is fine to have frenzied masturbatory fantasies without offending the memory of the Queen Mother.

“Pippa really is the perfect woman, at least for a fairly unimaginative man like myself.”

Royal pundit Nikki Hollis said: “It’s quite an acheivement to stand out as the most perfect arse at an event attended by Prince Philip, George Osborne and Ben Fogle.”