Vernon Kay and other celebrities you're amazed are still allowed to be celebrities

FAME is a notoriously fickle mistress, so how come these faded glories are still technically classed as celebrities?

Vernon Kay

There’s nothing wrong with Vernon Kay. He seems like a lovely guy and he’s just done an ultra-marathon that’s raised £1.2million for Children in Need, so fair play to him. But how is he riding the wave of light entertainment presenter fame this far? Is a strategic genius hiding behind the good looks and a somewhat gormless charm? Must be.

Jamie Lynn Spears

‘Who?’ you said to yourself when you saw her name on this year’s I’m A Celeb lineup, before realising she’s Britney Spears’ sister. Is that how fame works now, are siblings allowed in on the fun by association? Or is it only the case if they have nothing going on in their own lives and need to piggyback on someone else’s success?

Noel Fielding

The Mighty Boosh star’s surreal non sequiturs were popular back in the mid Noughties, but that was two decades ago and even then Julian Barratt was the show’s superior talent. The only show that welcomes Noel Fielding now is Bake Off, where he joins gamely in with the fluffy, cuddly cake-based proceedings as if he was never once a bad boy of comedy. Even Prue Leith has more edge.

Denise Van Outen

She’s been a regular on Celebrity Gogglebox for so long that you’ve long since stopped questioning her fame status. But in those quiet, sleepless moments in the dead of night, you can’t silence the nagging thought that you have no idea who she is or what she does. Must be something to do with Loose Women, you conclude, before drifting off into blissful slumber.

Jamie Oliver

Surely by now the younger generation who grew up cruelly robbed of Turkey Twizzlers have come of age and could freeze Jamie Oliver out of his career? All he seems to do now anyway is churn out cookbooks for morons and fail to pay the staff at his restaurants. Even you could do that, yet you’re stuck in a dead end job looking at spreadsheets.

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I do hope referring to him as 'Daddy Bin Laden' on TikTok isn't pissing you off, say teens

TEENAGERS who are faking Osama Bin Laden fandom on social media sincerely hope their elders have not noticed and are not incandescent with rage.

The Gen Z social media users, who would hate to offend or outrage anybody, are appreciating the contents of the Al-Qaeda leader’s 2002 ‘Letter To America’ purely for themselves, not to give GB News presenters on-air aneurysms.

Sophie Rodriguez, aged 17, said: “Oh dear, you noticed. And we were really hoping you wouldn’t.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have posted openly about it but we assumed you weren’t trawling our TikTok accounts to find something to erupt in anti-woke fury about, because we’re all children and that would be weird.

“But now you’ve caught us, I’m confident you’ll just put it down to youthful naiveté. There’s no sense in working yourself up into a frothing paroxysm of indignation leaving you panting and red-faced. We would not find that funny. We would not find that funny at all.

“What did Osama Bin Laden do that was so wrong, anyway? I haven’t heard of anything. Oh no. I’ve set you off again, haven’t I?”