Village incredibly proud of local celebrity who got out of there the moment he f**king could

THE residents of the village which a famous actor was born in, raised in and left forever the moment he was able to are still incredibly proud of him. 

Actor Clive Owen comes from an unremarkable village in Warwickshire which he has never acknowledged or spoken of publicly, which has not affected villagers’ unrequited love affair with him spanning more than three decades.

Among the tributes are a blue plaque on the wall of the school he attended, a walking tour which runs every first Sunday of the month from May to August depending on interest, and an annual competition for children to create a diorama based on his films.

Local councillor Susan Traherne said: “He’s never really spoken about his home village, or how much he cherishes the time he spent here, or how formative and important it was, but that’s just to protect our privacy.

“He might live in Los Angeles now, and London before that, and he’s not had anything to do with us since 1984, but that doesn’t make this connection we feel to him any less real.

“We’ve asked him to turn on the Christmas lights every year since 1990 and never received a response from his agent, but that’s just to build our anticipation.

“We’ll sure he’ll come back one day. We’ll wait for him. And until then we’ll milk it for all it’s worth.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Every theft must be investigated in case it's an immigrant, says Braverman

THE home secretary has ruled that every burglary, car theft and stolen bicycle must be investigated in case it leads to a precious, wonderful deportation. 

Police no longer investigate the majority of thefts because, in a world where every digital device can be tracked, doorbell cameras record every intruder and the majority of stolen goods are openly sold online, finding the culprits is practically impossible.

But the home secretary has insisted there is no such thing as a minor crime when it is committed by an immigrant who could be sent back to a country they have not lived in for 30 years, or possibly Rwanda.

Braverman said: “This is what I call common-sense policing. Back to basics policing. Non-white get-them-on-a-flight policing.

“It stands to reason that most crimes are committed by immigrants. Otherwise, why would decent Tory voters despise them so much? These aren’t irrational people.

“From now on the police must follow every reasonable line of inquiry that leads to a flight overseas. Whether it’s a stolen phone that sends an Albanian home or a passing spliff that deports a Windrush-era Jamaican, we want Britain to know that every immigrant counts.”