'Well, that definitely made us feel better about the cost-of-living crisis'

A MULTI-MILLION ceremony to place a heavy hat on a man has really put the cost-of-living crisis into perspective, Britain has agreed. 

Across the UK, whether an Aberdeen fisherman, a Belfast shipworker or a single mother in Birmingham, Britons are delighted with the three-day celebration of one of the world’s richest men that their taxes paid for.

Kelly Howard, who works two minimum wage jobs, said: “To be honest, after the simplicity and ease of the global pandemic, cost of living’s been a bit of a thorn in my side.

“I’m unable to afford fresh food, rent’s up, the heating’s not been on since Christmas, the children wear rags, and it’s been making me feel a bit sorry for myself.

“But when King Charles III came rolling down the Mall in his golden carriage with all those lovely colourful soldiers, I suddenly realised that it’s not the NHS or social care that needs funding, but him and his lovely family. Especially Andrew.

“Watching them switch between crowns, each more elaborately bejeweled than the last, took my mind off the black mould creeping up every wall. The tradition, the pageantry, the sheer historical significance, it all left me quite light-headed. Or that could be hunger.”

She added: “What a marvellous occasion, and now a day off! Except for me. I work in retail and I’m paying out more than my wages in childcare.”

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Coronation concert to include William's kids putting on a show

TONIGHT’S Coronation concert will feature an excruciating performance by Prince George, Princess Charlotte and Prince Louis with a show they have created themselves.

The show, which the children came up with while bored and playing under tables during yesterday’s longer stretches, is roughly based on Hansel and Gretel with elements of the life of Charles I and Minions 2: The Rise of Gru.

A Palace insider said: “They’ve demanded 45 minutes cleared and ordered costumes. Charlotte’s the Princess, George is King Handsome and Louis is a dog called Louis.

“They come on, announce the story, run into the woods and then pretend to go to sleep on stage. That lasts for up to five minutes of silence.

“Then Charlotte gets up and sings half an Ariana Grande song, then does a dance, then pretends she’s been kidnapped but there’s no one there and she doesn’t leave the stage, just stands at the side gawping.

“Then George and Louis have a mock fight, then George does a magic act while Louis runs around barking, then Charlotte returns and they all sing God Save the King. Doesn’t sound like it takes 45 minutes, but it does. You’ve not f**king seen it.”

He added: “Kate asked and said they’d worked really hard on it. What could we do, say no? So they’ve got a £480,000 budget for costumes, sets and fireworks.”