Tuesday, 7th July 2020

What sort of idiot who's obsessed with Harry and Meghan are you?

ARE you determined to waste your life following the problems of two very rich people you don’t know? You might be one of the following idiots.

Meghan hater

Apparently a full-time job for some people, judging by internet comments. It could be racially motivated, or maybe bitchy people just love a good pile-on. Either way, almost anything else is a more productive use of your time, eg. making a life-sized owl out of your ear wax. 

Cringing Royalist

You love the Royals. You don’t really know why, but you follow them obsessively. You’ve got a Charles and Di plate from 1981 and have been buying commemorative tat ever since, most recently a ‘Baby Archie’ tea towel. Even being a fan of Mumford & Sons is less embarrassing than this.

Moron who loves gossip magazines

If you’re a Heat or OK! reader who actually cares about Jennifer Garner going for a walk with Ben Affleck, you’ll be familiar with Harry and Meghan. Try reading something different – you might discover you’re really into Martin Amis, just as a change from ‘troubled Sheridan Smith’ articles.

Daily Mail journalist

Yes, you’re getting paid for it, but perhaps ask yourself why you became a journalist in the first place if your best story this month was entirely made-up drivel, eg. ‘ROYAL CATFIGHT: Is lovely Kate going to take down Monstrous Meghan?’

Actual stalker 

If you find yourself attempting to break into Frogmore Cottage with a hammer and a Toblerone for Meghan, it may be time to rethink your life. Develop an obsession with someone who deserves to be terrified by a stalker, such as Iain Duncan Smith.