What sort of idiot who's obsessed with Harry and Meghan are you?

ARE you determined to waste your life following the problems of two very rich people you don’t know? You might be one of the following idiots.

Meghan hater

Apparently a full-time job for some people, judging by internet comments. It could be racially motivated, or maybe bitchy people just love a good pile-on. Either way, almost anything else is a more productive use of your time, eg. making a life-sized owl out of your ear wax. 

Cringing Royalist

You love the Royals. You don’t really know why, but you follow them obsessively. You’ve got a Charles and Di plate from 1981 and have been buying commemorative tat ever since, most recently a ‘Baby Archie’ tea towel. Even being a fan of Mumford & Sons is less embarrassing than this.

Moron who loves gossip magazines

If you’re a Heat or OK! reader who actually cares about Jennifer Garner going for a walk with Ben Affleck, you’ll be familiar with Harry and Meghan. Try reading something different – you might discover you’re really into Martin Amis, just as a change from ‘troubled Sheridan Smith’ articles.

Daily Mail journalist

Yes, you’re getting paid for it, but perhaps ask yourself why you became a journalist in the first place if your best story this month was entirely made-up drivel, eg. ‘ROYAL CATFIGHT: Is lovely Kate going to take down Monstrous Meghan?’

Actual stalker 

If you find yourself attempting to break into Frogmore Cottage with a hammer and a Toblerone for Meghan, it may be time to rethink your life. Develop an obsession with someone who deserves to be terrified by a stalker, such as Iain Duncan Smith.

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Have you had a great conversation or have you just been showing off?

IT’S easy to think you just had an enjoyable conversation when in fact you were just smugly reeling off your achievements. Take this test to find out if you’re an unbearable show-off.

What post-conversation feelings are you experiencing? 

A) You have been left thinking about some interesting things the other person said.

B) Pointing out how happy and successful you are for 20 minutes has left you on a real high as you reflect on how damned lucky you are to be you.

What sort of body language were you using?

A) You were just standing normally.

B) Your chest was puffed out like a rooster that’s just had sex, got a starring role in a film and scored a goal in the premiership.

What new information have you come away with?

A) You’ve got more respect for the person you were talking to after learning about their interests.

B) You can’t remember their name but they were clearly impressed by that very clever thing you said in a meeting two years ago, which you decided to dredge up for some reason.

What sort of expression did the other person have?  

A) Their face expressed a variety of emotions.

B) They had a blank look that turned into a forced smile.  

Did you have a follow-up conversation?

A) Yes, it turns out you have a lot in common to talk about.

B) No, the other person literally ran off when they next saw you in case you told them about your expensive car, blissful relationship or impressive degree results again.

Mostly As: Congratulations – you had a great conversation.

Mostly Bs: Unfortunately you only delighted yourself in that conversation and the other person may have been smiling, but really they were imagining shoving a potato into your mouth.