Saturday, 4th April 2020

Crystals not improving woman's life in any way

A WOMAN has found that carrying some stones in her handbag has somehow not made her richer or happier.

Despite spending a small fortune on quartz, obsidian, and other inanimate rocks, Helen Archer has discovered that crystals have no effect whatsoever on anything. 

Archer said: “It’s weird because the woman in the New Age shop and loads of websites all say crystals make your life better with their positive energy. You wouldn’t expect them to be wrong.

“I bought my first crystal a year ago but now I think about it everything is worse than when I started filling my home and my handbag with them.

“I’m poorer, my flat is full of clutter and I’ve got a strong feeling that when I tell people about my crystals they think I’m a weirdo with severely questionable judgement.”

Archer is now reconsidering spending so much of her money and time in trinket shops that smell of sage and are run by older hippyish ladies.

Removing a crystal from her bag, Archer continued: “This one is ‘jasper’. It cost 12 quid but my job is still rubbish and I keep going out with w*nkers.”