Crystals not improving woman's life in any way

A WOMAN has found that carrying some stones in her handbag has somehow not made her richer or happier.

Despite spending a small fortune on quartz, obsidian, and other inanimate rocks, Helen Archer has discovered that crystals have no effect whatsoever on anything. 

Archer said: “It’s weird because the woman in the New Age shop and loads of websites all say crystals make your life better with their positive energy. You wouldn’t expect them to be wrong.

“I bought my first crystal a year ago but now I think about it everything is worse than when I started filling my home and my handbag with them.

“I’m poorer, my flat is full of clutter and I’ve got a strong feeling that when I tell people about my crystals they think I’m a weirdo with severely questionable judgement.”

Archer is now reconsidering spending so much of her money and time in trinket shops that smell of sage and are run by older hippyish ladies.

Removing a crystal from her bag, Archer continued: “This one is ‘jasper’. It cost 12 quid but my job is still rubbish and I keep going out with w*nkers.”

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How to be more like the best dad in the world, Thomas Markle

HOWEVER hard you’ve tried as a father you’re still nowhere near as great as Thomas Markle, the official world’s greatest dad. Here’s how to be like him.

Leave the family early

Nobody remembers a dad who’s there all the time. He’s just part of the furniture. Walk out on your six-year-old daughter and she’ll never forget. Remember to frame paying for her education as an act of great generosity, not just what dads do. 

Put the media first

She may be your daughter, but don’t let that get in the way of your relationships with celebrity gossip websites, Mail Online, and your old pal Piers Morgan. Unlike her they’re always on the phone and they really care about you. You can’t let them down. 

Continue putting the media first

Kids make all kinds of crazy demands, like ‘I want all the candy’, ‘Let me drive the car Daddy’ and ‘Please stop contacting the media’. A good father knows when to give a little ground and when to ignore them entirely. It’s about boundaries. 

Build family bonds

If your daughter has a half-brother and half-sister she’s not spoken to in years, encourage them to get in touch. If the half-brother writes a letter to Prince Harry warning him not to marry her, and the half-sister makes a living from being as vile as possible about her, they’re just working out a few issues and you shouldn’t interfere. 

Sell your children’s letters

When your beloved daughter tries to heal the rift between you by sending you a handwritten letter, any father worth his salt will sell it to the press. Claim you only did it to show off what beautiful handwriting she has. Because you’re so proud. 

Testify against your daughter in court

Sometimes, being a great parent is about standing up to your children. By threatening to testify in a court case asserting your own daughter has no right to privacy whatsoever, you’re showing her you won’t be pushed around. It’s a fantastic example to set. 

Buy your own ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ mug

The one she sent you must have got lost in the post. And you would have sold it to the Mail anyway.