Saturday, 4th April 2020

Just buy whatever's cheapest, confirm wine experts

BRITAIN’S wine connoisseurs have admitted that the best wine to choose is whatever is on offer at the supermarkets.

After years of pretending to be interested in the taste and describing wine in flowery language, Britons have been advised to just get the cheap sh*t that will get you wasted.

Wine expert Denys Finch Hatton said: “Wine is basically p*ss waiting to happen. Forget all this rubbish about ‘hints of charcoal’ and get the cheapest stuff you can find.

“I’ve spent most of my life working as a sommelier for top London restaurants so I can confirm it’s all nonsense and you should get any plonk that gives you a buzz.

“As for this business of spitting it out, what’s that all about? Did you ever see them on Bake Off regurgitating the cake into a bucket? It’s madness.

“I only became a wine taster for posh restaurant goers so I could drink a third of their bottle before telling them it was okay. Then I’d go home and spend my wages on Lambrusco.”

He added: “If you’re spending more than four quid you’re wasting your money. I’d recommend any supermarket brand that is simply called ‘White wine’.”