What the f**k happened behind those screens: an expose

DURING the key moments of Saturday’s Coronation ceremony screens were erected around the King. Here’s what really happened behind them: 

Easing of the Ferret

When proclaimed King in the North in 944AD, Edmund of Wessex agreed that at every Coronation the ruler must lead the procession with a ferret down his trousers, for a laugh. Eschewed in 1953 for the protection of the Queen’s treasures, the tradition was revived and the Wigan-born black ferret was removed, thanked and its neck ceremonially broken.

Giving of the Vs

After a taxing morning of waving at mere subjects lining the streets and pretending assorted digitaries and freeloaders are of importance, the King and the Archbishop took a moment in privacy to flick V-signs at all the cretins who will never be as good as them. The Anglican prelate, depending on strength of feeling, may also have exposed his bare arse.

His Majesty’s Bong Hits

A spectacle like the Coronation, as many younger viewers can attest, is immeasurably improved by being so stoned you can barely blink. And, his buzz having worn off in the coach, King Charles hit the Blueberry Haze in a golden waterpipe studded with emeralds gifted to his ancestor after the Anglo-Persian War of 1856-57.

The Ritual of Drop and Cough

As happens behind screens in the GP’s surgery, Charles was required to disrobe. Constitutionally obliged to a medical to prove his fitness to be King, the monarch removed his clothing and allowed a stranger to cup his scrotum while he gave a discreet cough. A swift check of the Royal prostate and his clothes were popped back on.

The Replacing of the Monarch

The floor descended, and the human actor playing Charles was replaced by the nine-foot lizard from the Arcturus system who is our true ruler. Anointed and promised his pick of human babies to snack upon, he returned to the hollow earth where everyone agreed it was a marvellous occasion and doesn’t it make you proud.

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Let's not do anything like that again as long as you live, says grateful nation

THE UK has asked the King to not put them through a weekend of pageantry like that for at least another 25 years. 

After three weekends in the last 12 months celebrating the wonder of people who objectively do very little, Britain has admitted it is all Royaled out.

Oliver O’Connor of Swindon said: “Appreciate the day off. But next time you’re thinking about dedicating a whole weekend to how amazing you are, can you just f**king not?

“I didn’t mind Platty Joobs. I accepted the necessity of the funeral even though that was practically a fortnight. I guess this had to happen next. But just leave it now, alright?

“As far as I can tell there’s nothing now until your Silver Jubilee when you’re 99, so you sit back and dream of that while the rest of us live our lives parade-free for a few years.

“Tell them kids of William’s they’re not marrying young. Forget doing anything for your Tin Jubilee. Quite frankly we need a long run-up before we’ll give a shit about you again.

“Off to your palace now and out of everyone’s faces. You’ve had your big day and you can remember that at length. Let’s have a few years of humbly serving the people from behind closed doors, eh?”

O’Connor added: “Oh yeah, one other thing: don’t die.”