DURING the key moments of Saturday’s Coronation ceremony screens were erected around the King. Here’s what really happened behind them:
Easing of the Ferret
When proclaimed King in the North in 944AD, Edmund of Wessex agreed that at every Coronation the ruler must lead the procession with a ferret down his trousers, for a laugh. Eschewed in 1953 for the protection of the Queen’s treasures, the tradition was revived and the Wigan-born black ferret was removed, thanked and its neck ceremonially broken.
Giving of the Vs
After a taxing morning of waving at mere subjects lining the streets and pretending assorted digitaries and freeloaders are of importance, the King and the Archbishop took a moment in privacy to flick V-signs at all the cretins who will never be as good as them. The Anglican prelate, depending on strength of feeling, may also have exposed his bare arse.
His Majesty’s Bong Hits
A spectacle like the Coronation, as many younger viewers can attest, is immeasurably improved by being so stoned you can barely blink. And, his buzz having worn off in the coach, King Charles hit the Blueberry Haze in a golden waterpipe studded with emeralds gifted to his ancestor after the Anglo-Persian War of 1856-57.
The Ritual of Drop and Cough
As happens behind screens in the GP’s surgery, Charles was required to disrobe. Constitutionally obliged to a medical to prove his fitness to be King, the monarch removed his clothing and allowed a stranger to cup his scrotum while he gave a discreet cough. A swift check of the Royal prostate and his clothes were popped back on.
The Replacing of the Monarch
The floor descended, and the human actor playing Charles was replaced by the nine-foot lizard from the Arcturus system who is our true ruler. Anointed and promised his pick of human babies to snack upon, he returned to the hollow earth where everyone agreed it was a marvellous occasion and doesn’t it make you proud.
