Who is Lady Rose Hanbury and are they really at it, her and him? A time-saving guide

CONFUSED by the sudden interest in Lady Rose Hanbury? If you’re curious but don’t want to read loads of sickening articles about incredibly rich people, here is a succinct guide.

Is she the one that does the pegging?

Hang on, we’re getting ahead of ourselves. William supposedly had an affair with someone, and the cause was, rather neatly and conveniently, Kate’s lack of interest in ‘pegging’. It’s almost certainly just a rumour and there’s no actual evidence. Although it’s probably best not to think about what the evidence for a good pegging session might be.

So are her and Wills shagging or not? 

Sorry, no. The rumour dates back to 2019 and an ‘unnamed source’ who claimed the affair was ‘common knowledge’ among posh socialites and the press. This claim appeared on the US gossip site DeuxMoi, and who hasn’t got that well-known journal of record bookmarked?

There’s no smoke without fire!

Mmm. In which case holographic Bigfoot faked 9/11, etc. The whole reason Rose has been named seems to be that she used to be friends with Wills and Kate, due to living near their residence in Norfolk, a friendship that’s since lapsed.

Who is she then?

She’s a well-connected posh girl who goes to parties attended by people called Georgiana, Petrina and, in happier times, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. She’s married to the 7th Marquess of Cholmondeley. That’s pronounced ‘Chom-lee’ not ‘Chol-mond-o-lay’, if you’re a frightful oik. She lives in a f**king massive house, Houghton Hall, and her gran was the Queen’s bridesmaid. The proper dead Queen, not Camilla. 

Is she hotter than Kate?

A matter of taste really. She is a former model, but she never really hit the big time, eg. Fiesta.

So how is she connected to Kate’s photoshopped picture?

Good question, and the answer depends on how mental you are. The rational explanation is that some bright spark thought they’d dredge up the original salacious gossip because Kate was in the news. The mental answer is that Kate and Wills are about to split up and stories about Lady Rose are a ‘soft launch’ for when she replaces Kate. Still, she’ll look nice on commemorative mugs.

People actually think that?

On Twitter, yes. However these people are beyond deranged and think the Royal Family routinely assassinate anyone who threatens to embarrass them, which is what happened to Diana and Dodi. If that’s true Emily Maitlis is living on borrowed time.

But if Lady Rose isn’t shagging Wills, how come she fell out with Kate?

Pretty damning, isn’t it? No one in human history has ever fallen out with a friend over something that wasn’t sticking things up their partner’s rectum.

If I DM Rose, will she introduce me to the exciting world of pegging?

No. Not unless you own Norfolk.

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