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Who twatted Andrew? A Daily Mash investigation

ANDREW Mountbatten-Windsor, who remains beloved by his public, has somehow been on the wrong end of a right twatting. But who could have done it? We investigate.

Motivation

A real puzzle. Andrew has never done anything anyone could find objectionable, whether in his public role or personally. His time as trade envoy was an unalloyed success with more than 17,000 rounds of golf played, and anyone who had met him speaks only of how gracious, kind and polite he is. There are no clues here.

Means

Another stumper. Andrew, weary of adulation, has chosen to confine himself to a remote estate in Norfolk far away from prying eyes and closely policed. He is also a war veteran, the hero of the Falklands who captured Port Stanley single-handed and sweat-free, not some pampered pansy pathetically unable to stand up for himself. The mystery deepens.

Enemies

None. Who could hold a grudge against this twinkle-eyed pensioner? From kindly renting cottages to the needy to putting his avuncular arm around young American runaways to giving the career of Emily Maitlis a much-needed boost, Andrew has left only goodwill behind him as he moved through the world. Who would ever lamp such a wanker?

Opportunity

Few visit Andrew, by his own choice. Even his ex-wife stays away for fear of sparking a national wave of public adoration that would put Beckhamania to shame. The only people who have access to the former prince are his staff and his family – the last people who would ever catch him with a proper backhander across his arsehole face.

Desire to see him suffer

It is unthinkable that anyone in Britain – or the foreign powers he blessed with his presence – could want to deliver a punch, or even a powerful kick while he lay grovelling on the ground, to Andrew’s bloated, overprivileged face. We are after all his subjects, which he would remind us of if we were not suitably deferential. Why would we?

Conclusion

Either every man, women and child in Britain is a suspect in this crime or nobody is. And since it is impossible a servant or his nephew William could have snapped and popped Andrew one right in the f**king kisser, logic tells us it must be the latter. Nobody did this. He must have fallen or something. And that will also be the case when it happens again.

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Star Wars, and other franchises it's hard to believe you ever loved

CERTAIN fictional universes have been so polluted with mediocre new content you’re wondering what you ever saw in them. Such as these:

Star Wars

A long time ago, Star Wars was the gold standard of pop culture perfection. Even the Ewoks and the holiday special couldn’t dent your love for it. The prequels were dogshit, but that’s still a 50 per cent hit rate. Now, after years of terrible sequels, a cash-grab theme park, The Book of Boba Fett and worse, you’re left wondering if the original trilogy was actually any good or you were just seven when you watched it.

Doctor Who

Doctor Who has always been wildly inconsistent, but you were willing to sit through The Twin Dilemma because the next Genesis of the Daleks could be on next week. But after the Chibnall era and the botched Disney partnership, you’re starting to doubt whether it’ll ever hit the heights of Blink again. You can believe that Lux was on a par if you like, but you’d just be lying to yourself. Your extremely nerdy self.

Harry Potter

The sight of grown adults still proclaiming to be Hufflepuffs or posing with the trolley at King’s Cross station makes you wince now, but that was you not so long ago. What changed? Were you put off by Rowling’s transphobic beliefs, or did you realise that the books were needlessly bloated runarounds with poor worldbuilding? Either way, you still need to get your Deathly Hallows tattoo removed.

The Simpsons

Sitting through a new episode will make you wonder how The Simpsons is still being churned out. Then you remember that in its prime it was the funniest thing you’d ever seen and was a formative part of your personality. That high standard of writing is long gone, but due to its still profitable heyday it’ll be forced to limp on forever. A grim lesson to us all to never peak early.

The Lord of the Rings

You still adore the films, and you’d rewatch them if you ever somehow have 15 hours to kill. The new Amazon spin-off and the upcoming Gollum movie make you feel nothing though. Which is peculiar, shouldn’t you be excited to see them? Then you remember that The Hobbit films killed your enthusiasm for Middle Earth and even dinged your excitement for life itself. Seeing another Tolkien adaptation might push you over the edge.

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