Who's stepping back from Royal duties now, bitch? By Prince Harry

LOSING your patronages? Losing your military titles? No more HRH? Well who’s the Royal outcast now, motherf**ker? 

Oh no, it seems a certain twat relative of mine – you know the one, right-wing uncle who’s handsy with your girlfriends – has suffered some kind of humiliating comeuppance. How sad. 

No more military ranks you never earned? No more patronages, the majority of which were f**king golf courses? No more of your precious ‘His Royal Highness’? No sweat. Apparently. We’ll find out. 

Hope you enjoy stepping back from your Royal duties, my fellow Duke. Hope you like spending the remainder of your life poking about Balmoral, grouse staring from the heather as bewildered as you.

No hard feelings, I’m in the same boat. Patronages, medals, HRH, all that shit gone. Except I’m wasn’t being sued for sexual assault of a minor or anything. I just moved to America. 

Makes my treatment seem a bit disproportionate doesn’t it, Dad? Doesn’t it, bruv? Makes you look like a pair of wankers sheltering a sex offender while apparently I’m ‘upsetting Granny’ by having a Netflix deal. 

Anyway, hope the trial goes well, Uncle Andy! And I hope you one day get that job you’ve been waiting for, Dad. You too, Willy. I’ll be over here, living my best life.

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Fill me with your babies, Rishi: Another toe-curling column about Sunak

By Times columnist Donna Sheridan

I’M allegedly an adult woman and a serious journalist, but I think I speak for all the ladies when I say: shag me, sexy Mr Chancellor, and fill me with your little Rishis.

Rishi just has this effect on women. All my female friends, who I’ve made up for the purposes of this column, agree they’d sleep with him. We just can’t resist his dashing good looks and mysterious accountant’s eyes.  

He’s part financially astute chancellor, part James Bond and part Jesus. Although he’s better than Jesus, who always struck me as a socialist Corbynite idiot. Rishi knows how to really help the poor – by cutting their Universal Credit and freeing them from state handouts.

I know I don’t stand a chance with someone literally perfect in every way like Rishi, but I can dream. And those dreams get pretty steamy, with me on top and everything.

Why do I write this drivel? For the money, obviously, but I’ve started to convince myself I do actually want to shag Rishi. I started speculating about his ‘impressively large, commanding penis’ earlier, but my editor doesn’t like reading about men’s cocks.

I’ll admit the whole ‘Dishy Rishi’ thing is a bit strange. I can write 800 words about a dull, completely ordinary-looking Tory clone having ‘George Clooney looks and bags of charisma’ and no one says, ‘You mean that gangly right-wing twat Sunak? What the f**k are you on about, Donna?’

It could be because columnists love to hop on every bandwagon, no matter how stupid. Come to think of it, I did write a piece in 2019 entitled ‘What Britain desperately needs now is some bloody good Boris belly laughs’.