Millions from journalism and public speaking: The destitution that awaits Boris Johnson

BORIS Johnson will surely soon be deposed as PM, leaving politics in shame and disgrace. Here’s what the remainder of his wretched, penniless existence has in store for him.

Columns in the Spectator and Daily Telegraph

Instead of unfairly being made to pay some sort of attention to governing the UK, Johnson will be reduced to spaffing out 800-word columns of well-crafted bilge for Tory outlets before going back to bed for the rest of the day.

Highly lucrative public speaking engagements

Alas, no more traipsing up and down the country to gladhand NHS staff barely able to conceal their loathing. Instead the grim fate of being paid at least £30,000 to entertain drunken, bow-tied sociopaths after dinner with 15 minutes of well-rehearsed Boris banter he could probably reel off while unconscious by now.

Strictly Come Dancing

Gone are the happy days of hiding in fridges or on car floors to evade scrutiny. Now Johnson will face the gruelling rehabilitation of having to galumph around for a week or so to the Lambada for 20 times a nurse’s yearly salary.

Appearing on Have I Got News For You

No more being mocked as a hopeless sack of shit by newspaper cartoonists – Johnson will be taking the piss now, just not by being a terrible prime minister. He won’t get off unscathed from those bastards Merton and Hislop, but it’ll be worth it for the cash. Especially for someone with such a massive ego they don’t mind getting stuck on a zipwire looking like a Benny Hill character.

Spending more time with his family

The dream of every overworked dad in the UK. In Johnson’s case it’s actually a cruel and unusual punishment, as he’ll have to go to the effort of remembering all their bloody names.

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Perving over your neighbours, and other reasons to be a creep with a ring camera

GOT a camera on your doorbell that you claim is for security reasons? Here’s what you really use it for.

Spying on your neighbours

In the old days you had to twitch your curtains to be the local Stasi, and your attractive young neighbour might see you too. Now you can watch her every move and she won’t suspect a thing until you accidentally upload a video to Facebook of her bending over to get the shopping out of the car.

Perving over delivery people

Are you nursing secret lust for the UPS man because he wears cute little shorts when he brings his ‘package’ to your door? Or maybe you have a fetish for chicks with charity bags? Your ring camera will broadcast them to your smartphone and you can either rub one out immediately or save the footage for later. Ah, the wonders of technology.

Keeping note of where the neighbourhood’s dogs shit

It’s easier to keep tabs on where the neighbours’ pooches shit and put a furious note through their letterbox, even if it was obviously accidental when they didn’t clean it up that one time. Your pissed-off neighbours might specifically train their dogs to crap in your lavender bushes, but that’s just more viewing for you.

Getting furious about ‘your’ parking space

You have a drive and do not own the car-length patch of tarmac immediately outside your house, but you lose your shit if someone dares to park on it. Now you can keep constant watch for anyone who looks as if they might try and sprint outside with a traffic cone like a madman.

Watching for when the police arrive

At some stage your neighbours will have had enough of your creepy, voyeuristic behaviour and report you to the police. Luckily you have a ring camera to enable you watch them approach in real-time, so you can attempt to escape over the back garden fence.