BORIS Johnson will surely soon be deposed as PM, leaving politics in shame and disgrace. Here’s what the remainder of his wretched, penniless existence has in store for him.
Columns in the Spectator and Daily Telegraph
Instead of unfairly being made to pay some sort of attention to governing the UK, Johnson will be reduced to spaffing out 800-word columns of well-crafted bilge for Tory outlets before going back to bed for the rest of the day.
Highly lucrative public speaking engagements
Alas, no more traipsing up and down the country to gladhand NHS staff barely able to conceal their loathing. Instead the grim fate of being paid at least £30,000 to entertain drunken, bow-tied sociopaths after dinner with 15 minutes of well-rehearsed Boris banter he could probably reel off while unconscious by now.
Strictly Come Dancing
Gone are the happy days of hiding in fridges or on car floors to evade scrutiny. Now Johnson will face the gruelling rehabilitation of having to galumph around for a week or so to the Lambada for 20 times a nurse’s yearly salary.
Appearing on Have I Got News For You
No more being mocked as a hopeless sack of shit by newspaper cartoonists – Johnson will be taking the piss now, just not by being a terrible prime minister. He won’t get off unscathed from those bastards Merton and Hislop, but it’ll be worth it for the cash. Especially for someone with such a massive ego they don’t mind getting stuck on a zipwire looking like a Benny Hill character.
Spending more time with his family
The dream of every overworked dad in the UK. In Johnson’s case it’s actually a cruel and unusual punishment, as he’ll have to go to the effort of remembering all their bloody names.