Couple celebrate 10 years of unequally distributed love

A COUPLE are celebrating a magical decade of him having far more affection for her than she does for him, and her being substantially out of his league.

Tom Logan has had a relative surplus of love during his 10 years of marriage to wife Clare, who likes him ’quite a bit’ and has flatteringly described him to friends as ‘a safe bet’.

Logan said: “It’s so nice to have a night to ourselves so I can celebrate my undying love and she can celebrate finding a friend she finds it tolerable to meet her basic sexual needs with.

“Tonight’s special because it’s exactly 10 years since she said, ‘Meh, alright then.’ It’s a moment I’ll cherish forever.

“I can gaze at her for hours, like I was doing just now. Okay, she was texting other people, probably male acquaintances I haven’t met, but my brain is so addled I totally trust her. She’s just not capable of doing anything bad.

“Relationships don’t get much better than this, except if she reluctantly agrees to keep me on for another 10 years of acceptable company. I feel sorry for people who’ve never meet that special person who takes pity on them like this.”

Clare Logan, who rarely uses her married name, said: “Tom’s a nice enough guy and he’s good with kids, pets and the hoover. You’ve got to listen to your heart when it says ‘You can get used to anything’.

“To be honest, I didn’t realise he was in love with me until tonight. I feel kind of bad now. Right, what shall I have for the main course?”

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A form letter of no confidence for Tory MPs with writer's block

ARE you a Tory MP? Have you written your letter to the 1922 Committee yet? Here is an easy template to follow: 

Dear 1922 Committee, 

First, happy 100th birthday! 

Second, I regret that I am writing to express my lack of confidence in the prime minister/that mendacious shitbag who’s f**ked everything up from a flying start/Carrie’s husband. 

Over the last two years since he took office/21 years since he was made an MP/57 years since this ungodly creature was spawned, Boris Johnson has sadly proved himself unfit for his position. 

While I bear no grudge against a valued colleague and friend/hate the twat for f**king me over in 2019, I have not allowed that to affect my decision. This is purely professional/the sweetest revenge I have ever taken. 

I find his explanation of the party incident to be not entirely convincing/entirely convincing because he’s a blithering dickhead/career-ending bullshit, and believe the matter settled/he’s f**ked it/he should have blamed Carrie. 

I thank Boris for his selfless service and am certain he will always be remembered as a great statesman/The Shagger/the one who was worse than the last one and she was worse than the one before that and he was bollocks. 

Sadly it is time for him to leave office and write his Shakespeare book/admit to another five illegitimate children/piss off to Florida with his shithead mate Trump/divorce Carrie. 

I look forward to a bright future in a Conservative party led soberly and responsibly by Sunak/Truss/Raab/Patel/f**k me, is that the best we’ve got? We’re f**ked. 


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