Why haven't you f**ked off yet?

BORIS Johnson has arrived at work to face one burning question from his party and the country: why haven’t you f**ked off yet?

Following his flimsy excuse that he did not realise a garden filled with friends and colleagues swigging drinks was not a party, the prime minister for the time being at least has been asked by everyone why he is still here.

Backbencher Denys Finch Hatton said: “Didn’t the chorus of thundering boos at yesterday’s PMQs make it clear we want you to piss off? Yeah? So what the f**k are you still doing here?

“Your job’s done. You f**ked up Brexit, you f**ked up your party’s image, and now you’ve f**ked up yourself. There’s nothing else left to f**k up, so put your personal stuff in a cardboard box and bugger off.”

Voter Margaret Gerving said: “Maybe this is all part of the three-dimensional chess game Boris is playing with the country. By tomorrow he’ll be leading in the polls again after executing his genius strategy.

“Either that or he’s such a f**king idiot he doesn’t know when the game is up. It’s hard to tell.”

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10 easy-to-miss signs you might be hanging out with a sex trafficker

AS Prince Andrew will attest, it’s hard to tell if a friend is running a high-end sex trafficking operation. Look out for these subtle clues next time you pop round.

He knows too many women

If there’s always a large and constantly changing roster of young women at his house, your friend may not be running a feminist workshop. Especially if he keeps ordering them to wear tighter tops.

There are sex toys everywhere

It’s suspicious if there are vibrators, massage oil and sex swings everywhere. If your friend had become an Ann Summers rep he’d constantly be hassling you to buy something.

He and his partner don’t do normal couple things

Instead of going to B&Q or camping in the Cotswolds, your friend does things that are unusual for a loving couple, such as pimping out his girlfriend.

He’s tediously obsessed with sex

People think all men are obsessed with sex, but a friend who won’t shut up about it is a pain in the arse. Seriously, it’s like spending time with Quagmire from Family Guy, but without the jokes.

There’s an administrator for his girlfriends

Most of us don’t need a full-time employee to tell our other half where to be and what to wear. It’s suspicious because most couples would prioritise getting a cleaner instead to deal with all the bloody dog hairs.

His girlfriend gets paid for it

Paying your partner isn’t what you do in a normal relationship. If you find this surprising, you should book some intensive couples counselling. Plus you’ll save a fortune.

He keeps asking if you want sex with women you’ve never met

Not all men would leap at this awkward, impersonal opportunity. Especially as it sounds distinctly dodgy and you’ve never fancied a starring role in To Catch a Predator

He knows lots of rich men

Does your friend strangely spend his time meeting women and discussing them with very rich men, almost as if he’s doing some sort of favour? Goodness, it’d take Hercule Poirot to work out what’s going on here.

People keep mentioning he’s a pimp

A bit of a giveaway, not least because it’s the sort of career people tend not to forget. When did you last say, ‘My mate Carl works for an insurance firm. No, hang on, I meant to say he’s a contract killer.’

The police are always turning up to arrest him 

This is a pretty strong indicator that your friend is breaking the law. Despite what he may claim, they don’t send the serious crime squad round for forgetting your girlfriend’s birthday.