THERE’S no need to fret if you didn’t get the A-level results you needed. Here top celebrities explain why incredibly talented people like them succeed anyway.
Jeremy Clarkson
“Higher education? Bollocks. Waste of time. If you want to carve out a media career, take it from someone who only got a C and two Us for his A-levels that you don’t need them. Rather than pissing away tens of thousands of pounds on a bit of paper, focus on developing a boorish personality and twattish opinions. They’ll take you further than a degree ever could.”
Alan Sugar
“Alright, listen up. Degrees are the biggest load of toot and will lose you money. Being an entrepreneur doesn’t involve writing an unoriginal essay about Moby Dick. It’s all about finding gaps in the market and filling them with shit products. You’ll notice that nobody who comes on my programme is a high achiever in the brain department, and that’s no coincidence. If they were, they wouldn’t lower themselves to that kind of public humiliation.”
Ed Sheeran
“Hi guys, I abandoned my A-levels to focus on my career and look at me now, selling out stadiums and playing arenas with Taylor Swift. You could be just like me if you sack off your studies and focus on writing the most generic music ever recorded. University would only fill your head with silly notions like originality and integrity, which will stop you from ever writing a song as terrible yet profitable as Galway Girl.”
Russell Brand
“In this blistering firmament we call the universe, the very notion of monetising higher education goes against the socialist ideals perpetuated by the post-war society. Late-stage capitalism has resulted in a contemporary dystopia devoid of intellectual currency, and plenty of other big words that escape me right now. And despite my current ‘issues’ I was actually coining it from ditching my mediocre comedy, hosting a bullshit conspiracy podcast and selling magic wi-fi necklaces. Just be like me.”
Simon Cowell
“Do you seriously think an employer is going to be impressed with your C in Business Management? They’re not. They’re going to take one look at you and hire their son instead. That’s what happened with me at EMI, so instead of swotting up, try and be the child of a powerful executive. It’ll open up even more doors than a first in PPE from Oxford.”
