Friday, 14th May 2021

Why I should be the centre of attention at a funeral, by Prince Andrew

ONLY a self-centred idiot would make a funeral all about them. Here Prince Andrew explains why he should be the centre of attention as the nation mourns.

You might be wondering why a disgraced royal who’s been suspended from public duties such as myself has started popping up on TV again, but let me reassure you there’s a perfectly logical and cynical explanation.

Let’s address the elephant in the room shall we? I couldn’t be promoted to Admiral for my 60th birthday, and it still stings. If I kick up enough of a fuss about it and demand to wear my military uniform to my dad’s funeral, there’s a slim chance I might finally achieve that distinguished rank.

They don’t hand out the largely meaningless title and its marginally different jacket to just anyone either, let me tell you. When you’re royal it’s your right to be an admiral. You’d think you’d need to be good at commanding fleets of warships, but sorry, it doesn’t work like that.

Why else would I dig in my heels about wearing fancy clobber? It’s certainly got nothing to do with salvaging my reputation after that Jeffrey Epstein business, and frankly it’s disrespectful to even bring that up at this sensitive time.

You’d think if I had any sense I’d just keep a low profile and let Harry and Meghan become the new royals everyone loves to hate. But you forget I once concocted a bullshit alibi based around Woking Pizza Express and claimed I didn’t sweat, so clearly I have nothing going on between my ears.