Why I'm appalled society has moved on in the last half century, by John Cleese

WHEN I started out in comedy, hitting someone with a fish or pretending to be a camp gay man was the height of hilarity. Now people have stopped finding me funny and the only explanation can be ‘woke’.

I built a career on mocking foreigners and included racist slurs in scripts. I was actually satirising bigots and it just happened to get a massive laugh. I’m not a racist, just a having-your-cake-and-eating-it-ist. 

And why don’t people think the parrot sketch is funny anymore? Is it that after 52 years the world has changed and it’s like showing a sketch from the First World War in 1969 and expecting everyone to find it somehow relevant?

No, it’s all down to people being woke. People claim it means being alert to injustice in society but actually it means not finding silly walks funny, the snowflakes.

So I’ve decided not to speak at Cambridge Union this week because someone was blacklisted for doing an impression of Hitler, just like I did in my cutting edge comedy Fawlty Towers 45 years ago.

So yes, I’ve cancelled myself. Oh, does that make me woke? Bugger.

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'Any hole's a goal': six phrases that show you're dog rough

LIKE to pepper conversation with unpleasant, graphic references? Here’s a few that prove you really are a coarse bastard: 

‘Any hole’s a goal’

Nothing says respect for women like this romantic mission statement. And if you say it to someone you’re keen to f**k and they giggle and aren’t horrified, then you have met The One.

‘My balls are ready to burst’

You haven’t had sex for ages and have a poor understanding of how the testes work. Abstinence doesn’t cause a dangerous build-up of semen, but big thanks for the gruesome mental picture of your groin exploding in a fountain of gonads and high-pressure spunk.

‘Like throwing a sausage up the Dartford Tunnel’ 

Colourfully vile and utterly transparent way of transferring blame for your unimpressive dick onto your partner. The opposite of a humblebrag: ‘I had sex last night, I was shit.’

‘My fanny’s never been the same since’ 

Post-childbirth complaint that causes everyone to look at the floor. Marks you out as someone who’ll blab about deeply personal problems for attention. Frankly any vaginal shortcomings are the least of your problems.

‘I’ve been shitting like a bastard’

There’s always an audience for your anal events, especially in such poetic and evocative language. There’s a time and a place though – ideally during meals, on a first date or at parents’ evening.

‘You don’t get many of those to the pound’ 

Even the most ardent tit man doesn’t judge by weight. You’ve simultaneously drawn attention to someone’s breasts while treating them as a butcher would livestock. And this is sexy banter to you.