Why isn't Harry Styles buying us cupcakes? ask middle-aged men

ONE Direction’s middle-aged male fanbase wants to kill Taylor Swift, it has emerged.

Millions of men in the 35-55 age bracket have been left devastated after pictures emerged of Styles on a romantic trip to Cumbria with his famous girlfriend.

46-year-old welder Stephen Malley said: “Taylor’s just using Harry for her career, she doesn’t really love him like I do.

“I mean, I really like my wife but Harry Styles is different. When he’s performing on the telly his hazel eyes gaze directly into my soul.”

Police dog handler Julian Cook said: “Taylor needs to fuck off.

“She’s not even that cute. Her eyes are really far apart, like a horrible, ugly goldfish.

“I hate her.”

Last night there were angry scenes outside a One Direction gig in Manchester as venue security clashed with a group of middle-aged men, mostly scaffolders, desperate to have any sort of interaction with Styles.



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Insults must be traded in English, says Miliband

BRITAIN will become a fully-integrated society when everyone can express their mutual contempt in the same language, Ed Miliband has claimed.

The Labour leader said that until we could understand each other we will never appreciate the unmitigated vileness of each other’s opinions.

He added: “It’s not right that someone of Asian, African or East European origin should be able to mutter an incomprehensible insult while waiting in a post office queue without the whole thing spiralling horribly out of control.

“And similarly, how do we create a divided society that really works if one in eight of us does not understand a simple, everyday word like ‘bastard’?”

Miliband also stressed that by learning English, new immigrants would be able to identify the wretched, pre-existing section of British society with which they would most like to align themselves.

He said: “Imagine a young man, newly arrived from Bangladesh and filled with hatred for the European Union. How is he supposed to stand up at a UKIP meeting and insinuate that Germany is still fascist?”

But Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: “I cherish being able to smile at my neighbour without the slightest possibility of us having a conversation.

“I don’t know what he thinks and he doesn’t know what I think. He’s my best friend.”