THE Duke of Cambridge has abandoned his wife after bonding with an erotically-shaped coconut, it has emerged.
The so-called ‘love nut’ was presented to the royal couple by natives of an unnamed island in the Seychelles, who simply thought it was funny because it looked like a bottom.
It has emerged that half way through their honeymoon the duke left the £4,000-a-night suite he was sharing with his bride, taking up residence on a remote beach with the nut, which, according to sources, he named ‘Lady Kahuna’.
A royal source said: “It’s like the Wallis Simpson debacle all over again, but considerably graver as at least she was only an American and not a fruit of the palm family.
“The islanders thought the coconut was merely an amusing curio, but from the first meeting William couldn’t take his eyes off it, insisting that the voluptuous tree-fruit have its own seat beside him at the evening’s ceremonial dinner.
“Throughout the meal he was addressing jokes and anecdotes to the coconut, and was seen to repeatedly touch the wiry hair covering its hard curvaceous body in an awkward, curious manner.
“The duke disappeared before dessert. After two hours of searching, Kate found him asleep on the beach, his arms about the coconut as the waves lapped around them.
“The duchess demanded he return with her to their accommodation, without ‘La Kahuna’. It appears he told her to fuck off.”
The nut has now been installed in its own set of rooms at Clarence House, while Prince William has told his wife she will be required solely for the production of heirs.
A friend said: “Kate is lucky William can’t breed with the coconut otherwise she’d be acting as spokeswoman for her sister’s arse.”