Wim Hof's tips for surviving when your dad refuses to put the heating on

ICE-LOVING Dutchman Wim Hof has survived the coldest locations on Earth, but could he last a winter in a draughty house in Hounslow with a cheapskate dad? These are his tips: 

Cold showers

All of my crazed followers begin their day with a cold shower. Starting your day in the worst conceivable way means it can only improve. 120 endless seconds bollock naked under what feels like a hailstorm and you’ll agree with your dad that 17.5ºC between 6pm and 10pm is indisputably the correct setting for the thermostat.


Your body is a heat factory. You must learn how to use it. Hyperventilating as if you had dunked your jaffers in an ice-bath will oxygenate your blood, warming you from within. Your father might have access to fan heaters firmly locked off, but he cannot stop you from breathing.

Mental resilience

Feeling cold is simply a state of mind, albeit a state of mind that can lead to hypothermia and death. When a parent informs you that frost on the inside of windows was fine when he was a boy and suggests putting on a third jumper, simply imagine yourself somewhere warm like a sauna, an equatorial village or hell.

Follow nature’s way

In survival situations you can sleep inside the carcasses of large mammals, as demonstrated in the field survey The Empire Strikes Back. If your father, as many do, let himself go once turning 50 and is no longer of practical value, his corpse could mean surviving the night. Or, once he is departed, you could simply turn the heating on.

A onesie

Being entirely honest, sometimes my whole ‘Iceman’ schtick gets a bit much. So why not snuggle into a fleecy onesie, wrap your hands around a warming mug of hot chocolate and kick back with my favourite show Married at First Sight. No amount of central heating can close to the warming power of hygge and an oil-filled radiator on maximum.

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We choose candidates based on their Religious Studies GCSE grade, admit employers

EMPLOYERS have confirmed they only consider giving the top roles to candidates with top grades in their religious studies GCSEs. 

A survey of more than a 1,000 hiring managers at blue-chip companies has revealed that previous experience, interview performance and relevant qualifications are as nothing compared to top grades in religious studies and a Silver Duke of Edinburgh Award.

Manager Donna Sheridan said: “I’m currently looking for a head of IT operations, earning six figures. I don’t even look at the rest of the CV. It’s all about the RE.

“If you can’t memorise all the books in the Old Testament aged 15, why would I even considering hiring you? All that ‘ran a 400-person department’ stuff is chaff in the wind.

“It’s the same across all fields and all industries. Whether you’ve got a six-year record of success in a similiar role or a Phd doesn’t matter to us. Were you in the sixth-form debating society? Did you play a leading role in the school production of The Crucible? 

“That most accurately reflects what kind of employee you’re going to be. I don’t care if you’re 49 years old and have done incredible things since, if you weren’t on the school recycling council don’t waste my time.

“Anyway, this candidate got an A* in RE so I skipped the interview and just offered him a contract with no probation period. He starts on Monday.”