Your brother's mate Kev named Sexiest Man Alive 2023

KEVIN, a friend of your brother, has been named the sexiest man on earth in 2023, beating Chris Hemsworth, Timothée Chalamet and Idris Elba.

Halfords employee Kevin Browne, described as ‘a bit of a charmer’ in his hometown of Wakefield, won the coveted accolade despite never having featured in a Hollywood blockbuster or played on an international sports team.

Browne was unaware he was an object of of desire for millions of women around the world until a friend told him about his victory, having previously only been known to women as their older brother’s fit mate.

Browne said: “What? That’s cool, I suppose. I didn’t know I’d entered. Did my nan put me up for it? 

“Thanks everyone. My wife isn’t thrilled but I appreciate it. It’s good to know the judging process for Sexiest Man is so rigorous and unbiased they consider literally every male on the planet.”

This is not Browne’s first brush with fame, having been in the audience of an episode of Question Time in 2015, during which he was seen for several seconds sitting in the middle.

However friend Nathan Muir said: “This is bullshit. I got off with loads more girls in secondary school than Kev did. 

“He didn’t even need this prize because he’s married, but winning would have helped me get more matches on Tinder. It’s all rigged if you ask me.”

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Dear Suella, you were shite, love Rishi

FOLLOWING Suella Braverman’s blistering resignation letter to Rishi Sunak, the prime minister has written back. His letter is below.

Dear Suella,

I sacked you. Over the phone. You don’t get to write a letter a day later saying how terrible I am. Of course you think that, you’ve just been given the boot.

And you’re only popular on paper, specifically the Mail, Telegraph and Express. Your little gang of MPs are known arseholes and the public’s glad you’re gone.

Broke our deal? You f**king bet I did. It’s called politics. What would be the point of my becoming prime minister if it wasn’t to thoroughly shaft a woman? And they say I learned nothing from Boris.

You expected me to sign up to every aspect of the idiotic Johnson premiership? You believed me when I said ‘For you, Suella, I’ll break international law?’ How much of a dickhead are you? Don’t bother to answer. You already have.

And then you kept adding further demands. ‘Oh, and can you outlaw protestors I don’t like?’ ‘Actually we’ll need to send even more to Rwanda because I haven’t quite stopped the boats yet.’ Talk about a f**king diva.

Regretfully, and I don’t mean that, you were shite at your job and I’m glad that you’ve gone. Not to see your miserable three-dick gob frowning around Downing Street will be a real pleasure.

Goodbye, good luck on the backbenches, nobody cares about you now. Today’s front pages are your last. I’ll see you on GB News. Well I won’t, nobody will, but whatever.

Love, Rishi Sunak

Still the prime minister