Your guide to Boris Johnson's magical, romantic third wedding

BORIS Johnson and Carrie Symonds, the Posh and Becks of the 2020s, have finally set the date. But what to expect from this special day? 

Will Johnson’s previous marriages be an issue?

They’re an advantage. Johnson is well-practised at getting married which will help everything go smoothly on the day. Best man Michael Gove, or Matt Hancock if things are going badly, will prevent him getting the phone numbers of any American amateur pole dancers present.

Where will it be held? 

Either Chequers, the country home provided to the prime minister which he has described as ‘this job’s only f**king perk’ or a safari park in Kent. If the latter then should something go terribly wrong, like an affair being discovered or cash running out halfway down the aisle, guests can enjoy the antics of the shit-flinging chimps.

Will the couple write their own vows? 

Yes. Symonds favours a modern wedding, and Johnson is keen to strike out the ‘until death do us part’ bit. She will commission a team of PR consultants to write hers, at a cost of £800,000 billed to the Conservative party, and he will scribble his in the transept five minutes before.

What is the itinerary?

Broadly the same as a normal wedding, but much more expensive. So ceremony, reception and disco, then Boris and Carrie will leave for a luxury honeymoon which is a generous gift from a billionaire friend and definitely won’t be repaid with undisclosed favours.

Who’s been invited?

All acknowledged children, the rest of the attention-seeking Johnson family, right-wing cronies from the Spectator, anyone who will give the couple jobs post-Downing Street and Ed Sheeran to keep the public on side. Dominic Cummings will not be allowed to DJ despite being, according to Dom, the greatest wedding DJ the world has ever known.

Will Dilyn the dog be there?

Of course. Probably in a little top hat and morning dress, because a cute shaggy dog will be a great distraction from whatever Brexit shit the government will be mired in by next July.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'That was exhausting', and five other bad things to say after sex

LUCKY enough to be getting some? Here are six inadvisable phrases to blurt out after a session of raucous love-making:

‘That was exhausting’

While you might well be red in the face and suffering from cramp after just a few thrusts try to emphasise the positives, rather than treating the whole thing like a nude spin class.

‘Do you have the time?’

Way to make your partner feel like they’re just another bloody errand you’ve ticked off your to-do list. Unless this is part of an elaborate fantasy where you’re a businessman who’s slipped out on his lunch break to ravish them, just subtly check your phone.

‘Cor blimey’

Your partner wasn’t aware they were having sex with a Cockney geezer, but now you’ve blown your cover. Save this for when you’re spotted a big dog in the park – ‘Wow’ or ‘I love you’ is far more acceptable in a sexual context, even for hook-ups.

‘A solid six out of ten’

Honest, but an ice-cold thing to say to someone who’s had their face in your crotch for 20 minutes . Unless you were actively injured, just politely suggest they watch a few instructional videos and don’t call you again.

‘Well done’

Alternatively, throw your partner for a loop by complimenting them in such a condescending way that they feel like they’re being assessed by a sexual exam board. Offer them a sticker if you want to be a real bastard about it.

‘Did you come?’

Come on. If you have to ask, the answer’s no.