THE government has apologised for forgetting to announce eight variant Covid hotspots, that democracy is suspended and all drugs are legalised.
The announcement that travel to eight areas is restricted because of a Covid variant was discovered to have been placed on a website last Friday, and prompted the government to mention a couple of other minor changes.
Transport secretary and official f**k-up announcer Grant Shapps said: “It was all on the government website. What else were you doing on a Friday night?
“Anyway, for those without the gumption to type in a simple URL, residents of eight areas where the Covid variant’s rising shouldn’t travel or meet indoors. Retrospectively.
“Also, because of the whole pandemic thing, we’ve suspended democracy indefinitely and there won’t be any further elections ongoing. Again, it was all on the website.
“And yes, we got rid of all the misuse of drugs laws last Friday. Cannabis, cocaine, heroin, all perfectly legal. I had expected a bit more fuss about that than we got, but apparently nobody was paying attention.
“Lack of initiative noted. When we go to war with Ireland next week I’ll make sure there’s a minister spoon-feeding you the news on TV. Honestly.”