DETERMINED to save money at any cost? These ways to spend less will ultimately cost you shitloads:
You wouldn’t think it, because you imagine drunk monks, but brewing is a highly skilled business. Your amateur efforts will only produce hock hock that tastes like meths or bitter so weak it takes 20 pints to feel mildly pissed. And it take so long to brew it’s like planning to go out for a quick drink in three months’ time. Your supermarket booze budget will double, to cope.
Cooking in bulk
Parcel it up, pop it in the freezer and you’ll soon eat out of bins rather than suffer more of your mediocre frozen spag bol. So you’ll end up ordering takeaways, cancelling out the savings instantly. You’d have a more varied and interesting diet in prison.
Never buying a round
Saves money but eventually people will start saying things like ‘he’s got short arms and deep pockets’, or more directly ‘don’t invite that tight bastard’. Best to maintain your self-respect than to never be bought a drink ever again, and ultimately cheaper.
Like a holiday in reverse: after pitching the sodding tent, fetching water and sleeping on the ground for a week you’ll be more exhausted than a Wehrmacht soldier on the Eastern Front. Caravanning isn’t much better, due to faffing around with gas canisters and having to f**king fold things away all the time.
You can get some amazing deals online. The only problem is that you don’t know if the previous owner has been working on the laptop all day, then wanking or hammering World of Tanks until 3am, so the battery has a charge of four minutes and the motherboard is about to catch fire.
Making shonky stuff yourself
If you don’t mind putting drinks down on wobbly homemade tables or wearing unusual jumpers, go ahead. But they will be so shit and take up so much time you’d be better off just buying top-end and paying for it with a second job.