LOVED-UP? Want to boast to your perpetually single friends, but not sure how? Let sickeningly happy couple Eleanor Shaw and Joseph Turner explain:
Make them a slideshow
Joseph: Single people’s brains are less well-developed than those in happy relationships – scientists suggest they may be warped by years of eating ice cream alone on their sofa and masturbating in a single bed.
Eleanor: So presenting your relationship to them in slideshow form can be very helpful to them. Use plenty of pictures so they understand just how happy and photogenic you two are.
Use your words gently
Eleanor: No-one likes to be reminded that they’ve yet to find a love quite like yours. Approach the subject delicately, like you’d break the news of a pet’s death to a small child.
Joseph: I get a lot of use out of empty platitudes like ‘There’s a fish in the sea for everyone’, even when you know for a fact that isn’t true, especially not for my weird mate Mark.
Joseph: It may well be that, like us, you have a stellar relationship that couldn’t possibly be improved upon. Nevertheless, sad singletons like to hear that it’s not all sunshine and roses.
Eleanor: Invent a story about your partner doing something awful, like accidentally buying your second-favourite flowers. That should make them feel less bad about the yawning emptiness of their lives.
Invite them along on dates
Eleanor: The lonely people like to feel included. If your unattached pal is constantly moaning about having nothing to do of an evening, ask if they want to come along on your weekly couple’s date night to give them a taste of what real relationships are like. It’s nice for them to pretend.
Remind them of their positives
Joseph: It’s not all about rekindling their hope in relationships by demonstrating how incredible yours is. Turn the conversation around by asking about the pathetic hobbies that fill their time. Is she still playing Dungeons and Dragons? How sad.
Eleanor: I say ‘Wow, you’re so lucky, bingewatching boxsets! We barely cuddle through a whole episode before we have great sex.’ And I think that helps.