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You're going to copy my hair and it's going to look shit, says Kate

PRINCESS Kate has informed you that your upcoming attempt to imitate her gorgeous blonde highlights will look awful.

The Princess of Wales, on unveiling her sun-kissed summer look, confirmed she has foreseen the inevitable series of events where you fawn over it, try to recreate it on your pathetic budget, then cry alone in the bathroom.

She continued: “You really think you can pull off being brunette with the faintest whisper of honeyed blonde? Don’t make me laugh.

“This colour didn’t come from a box or by swimming in chlorine, or whatever it is you do with your matted pelt. It was applied strand-by-strand by angels already in awe of the canvas they were working with.

“I understand your envy. They’re calling it ‘bronde’. They’ve had to coin a new word for the sheer paradigm shift of my style. Believing you could recreate it with a stylist named Sophie who rents a chair by the half-day is the purest folly.

“Remember how you looked when you tried to copy my wardrobe? Your face crumpling in the mirror as you tried that cheap copy of my dress on? Remember the shame.

“You may bask in its glow briefly. Then stick to your own hag-like style, it suits you.”

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How to put a f**king nutter on your local council

BORED? Sick of all the mainstream parties? Ready for a harmless protest vote that will put a person categorically unfit for political office onto your council? Here’s how: 

Rule out anyone who’s been vetted

Labour and the Tories have whole teams analysing their candidates’ social media presence, looking for that one post in 2014 when they pushed for wholesale slaughter of all Norwegians. Reform didn’t even do that for MPs, so their putative councillors’ closets hold whole conga lines of skeletons. That’s fun.

Judge from the photograph

A quick scan of how the candidates have chosen to represent themselves is helpful. Professional, well-groomed, bland? F**k that. You’re looking for an unhinged man or woman glaring down the camera like they’ve hated it since it slighted them in a tearoom in 1986. Airbrushed Mussolini portraits in background a bonus.

Cross-reference with local newspapers

You can rely on a true neighbourhood lunatic to have a track record. They’ll be a regular in the press whether pointing at something – a closed squirrel sanctuary, a condom on a war memorial, a mysterious patch of scorched grass they claim is evidence of alien activity – or being convicted of ABH and malicious communications.

Consider their age

Obviously a 79-year-old man with no previous record of political appointments is going to have spicy opinions, especially on various embattled minorities. But don’t underestimate the 19-year-old who’s improbably decided a councillor’s life is for him. He’s likely to be even more internet-addled than Elon Musk.

Check out the independents

All of the above is pointing in one direction: vote Reform. And yes, that way you’re certain to get a demented man convinced small boat migrants are arriving in landlocked West Northamptonshire. But take a moment to consider those independents. Do they exude an aura of madness that would warn you off sitting on their side of the bus?

Don’t worry about consequences

Best of all, like with the European elections of yore, there’s no need to have regrets. Your chosen headcase will attend approximately three meetings, not understand any rules, shout incoherently about flytipping paedophiles getting arts grants and then never attend again, leaving the council to their usual mismanagement and corruption.

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