A lovely frozen carrot: tips for cooling down your dog he won't give a shit about

THE summer is here and your dog’s hot and overdramatic about it. Try these great ways to help your pet stay cool which won’t work and he’ll resent you for: 

Freeze a carrot

Want to make an ice-cold, super-healthy chew your dog will love? Naive enough to believe that can be achieved by freezing a carrot? Then you’ll reap the reward: a slightly licked carrot defrosting in a puddle on the carpet.

Buy him doggy ice cream

Congratulations, you have wasted money. It won’t even get the polite sniff the carrot got, and now you’ll have doggy f**king ice cream in the freezer for the next ten years. Good. It’ll remind you of your foolishness.

Put him in front of a fan

Yes, he will move every five minutes and your body temperature will approach that of a bus driver’s balls as you spend all day conducting feng shui for a dog. Unless he’s so alarmed by it he shits.

Hose him down with cold water

There’s nothing a hot human loves more than a cold shower until the moment it hits skin, but to your dog you are simply giving him a bath. An experience every dog takes bitterly. You’ll feel the cold of his icy glare.

Put out a paddling pool

Takes three hours to fill and the dog’s deathly afraid of it. Even when his ball’s in it he stands by the back door, legs tensed, barking wildly. You have delivered him to his nemesis.

Keep him inside

You bastard. You cruel, sadistic monster. You decided, apropos of nothing, to trap him inside away from his lovely outside. Being kept a few degrees cooler hasn’t stopped him standing by the back door all day crying.

Shave him

There’s no better way of cooling a dog than shaving a dog. Give him a number one all over and he’ll be lovely and chill and will never, ever forgive you.

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Silvio Berlusconi's posthumous guide to living your best life

BILLIONAIRE media magnate, AC Milan’s saviour, prime minister and certainly never involved in the Mafia, Trump and Johnson are mere pale imitations of me: 

I found love

Is there one woman for every man, or just the leavings after I’ve had my pick? A couple of wives, a large number of young beauty queens, actresses, professional escorts and simple Italian stripping housewives. Because love is for everyone.

I cherished my friends

My dearest companions included Vladimir Putin and Colonel Gaddafi, before that unfortunate business in Libya. Vlad was particularly supportive when I had to stand down in 2012 due to the 17-year-old belly dancer. Forgive him his current excesses.

I dreamed big

You’ll always regret selling yourself short. Boris Johnson is in trouble for eating a cake. Trump’s never seen the inside of a cell. I was in trouble for €7.3m tax evasion, had 577 visits from the police and was imprisoned for bribery. They have not my aptitude for greatness.

I enjoyed the moment

What I achieved with AC Milan – the Immortals, back-to-back European cups – has only been equalled by the recent achievements of Ryan Reynolds’s Wrexham. A high only comparable to a 25-year-old Puerto Rican mistress and 6g of fine flake. The simple things.

I was hospitable

There were few parties like Sylvio’s parties since the 120 days of Sodom. 100 bottles of decent champagne, a fully-stocked bar, 30 or so €1,500-a-night escorts, dancing girls, high-quality class-A drugs, restaurant-standard catering and approximately 25 spare bedrooms. Heaven is bunga-bunga.

I stayed healthy

To get the most out of life watch what you eat, get regular exercise. And you know what they say the best form of exercise is? To travel the world, meet interesting people and f**k them.

I owned the entire media

Trump has one channel. Boris has a mere three newspapers still presenting him as the Messiah. I had everything, my face the logo in the corner of every screen, and when caught in criminal behaviour I passed laws to make it legal.

I stayed young in spirit

Age makes us closed-minded and fearful of change. I maintained a youthful outlook by remembering that nothing keeps you fresh than the untrammelled exercise of absolute power. Thankfully, Italy’s always been relaxed about that.