THE summer is here and your dog’s hot and overdramatic about it. Try these great ways to help your pet stay cool which won’t work and he’ll resent you for:
Freeze a carrot
Want to make an ice-cold, super-healthy chew your dog will love? Naive enough to believe that can be achieved by freezing a carrot? Then you’ll reap the reward: a slightly licked carrot defrosting in a puddle on the carpet.
Buy him doggy ice cream
Congratulations, you have wasted money. It won’t even get the polite sniff the carrot got, and now you’ll have doggy f**king ice cream in the freezer for the next ten years. Good. It’ll remind you of your foolishness.
Put him in front of a fan
Yes, he will move every five minutes and your body temperature will approach that of a bus driver’s balls as you spend all day conducting feng shui for a dog. Unless he’s so alarmed by it he shits.
Hose him down with cold water
There’s nothing a hot human loves more than a cold shower until the moment it hits skin, but to your dog you are simply giving him a bath. An experience every dog takes bitterly. You’ll feel the cold of his icy glare.
Put out a paddling pool
Takes three hours to fill and the dog’s deathly afraid of it. Even when his ball’s in it he stands by the back door, legs tensed, barking wildly. You have delivered him to his nemesis.
Keep him inside
You bastard. You cruel, sadistic monster. You decided, apropos of nothing, to trap him inside away from his lovely outside. Being kept a few degrees cooler hasn’t stopped him standing by the back door all day crying.
There’s no better way of cooling a dog than shaving a dog. Give him a number one all over and he’ll be lovely and chill and will never, ever forgive you.