Apes wonder why they haven’t taken over world yet

PRIMATES are unsure why they have yet to take over the planet when humanity is clearly doing such a terrible job. 

Apes agreed that they expected their rise to global dominance, first forecast in 1968’s Planet of the Apes, would definitely have taken place by now.

Orangutan Norman Steele of Chester Zoo said: “I mean we’ve only got ourselves to blame.

“I really thought we’d be seeing the first gibbon colony on Mars by 2016, but instead we’re still swinging about in tyres eating fruit like we’ve got all the time in the world.

“Admittedly the whole nuclear holocaust thing not happening set us back at bit – we’d really been relying on that – but come on, it’s been 30-odd years since and we’ve done nothing.

“There’ve been plenty of opportunities to step in and take the reins, from global warming to Brexit, but we’re always too busy checking each other for ticks. We’ve really let ourselves down.”

Zookeeper Martin Bishop said: “They’re disappointed? How do they think we feel?”

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Everything to be alright at Sports Direct now Mike Ashley in charge

ALL problems at Sports Direct will disappear now Mike Ashley is chief executive, jubilant employees have confirmed. 

Majority shareholder Ashley has replaced chief executive Dave Forsey in a move described by staff as “a new dawn for working practices.”

Warehouse operative Wayne Hayes said: “Our long zero-hours nightmare is finally over.

“Mike Ashley is a man of the people, a man who listens to his staff and unhesitatingly acts in their best interests, whatever the costs to the business and to him personally.

“I hear he always carries a huge wad of £50 notes in his pocket to be distributed to the needy and suffering. That’s how big-hearted he is.

“Just look at how he’s delighted the fans of Newcastle in the nine years since he bought the club. He literally can do no wrong.”

Ashley said: “We’re switching to minus-hours contracts. If you don’t work a minimum ten hours a week, you pay us.”