Woman reaches end of week without giving a f**k about Brangelina or Bake Off

A WOMAN has successfully completed the week without giving a toss about the Brangelina split or the cake show.

Jane Thompson, from Stevenage, confirmed that other than seeing the headlines and understanding the individual words, she has had no meaningful thoughts on either subject.

Thompson also assured friends and family that she will continue to be utterly indifferent to both news stories because, ‘they are not remotely important to anyone other than those directly involved’.

She added: “My friend Sam said that she was a massive fan of Bake Off, that the show’s format was important to her and that Mary Berry, Mel and Sue had become part of her ‘TV family’.

“I started to think about the concept of someone having a ‘TV family’ and then realised that I only have one life to live.”

Thompson stressed that if any of her friends express an opinion about the Brangelina split they will be replaced.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

F**k this shit I’m outta here, says Mary Berry

MARY Berry has quit The Great British Bake-Off because of all the bullshit going down.

Baking icon Berry said: “It was kind of cool doing the cake shit on the BBC but the way things have been going down lately I’m like, nah, I gotta bounce.

“I’m not into politics, I’m all about the baking. That’s how Mary rolls – just real straight-down-the-line cakes and gateaux, no corporate bullshit.

“But it’s cool, now I can chill at home on more of a relaxation kind of vibe.

“Maybe watch some 80s martial arts movies, drink tea, eat scones.”