Attenborough filmed us having sex, say animals

BBC star David Attenborough regularly filmed animals copulating, it has been claimed.

Attenborough has become the latest BBC presenter facing allegations of inappropriate behaviour after dozens of species contacted the corporation.

Eight-year-old water buffalo Tom Logan said: “He said that it was important for audiences to learn about Africa’s delicate ecology, and that lovemaking was key to the cycle of life.

“I didn’t really understand it at the time – surely most humans already know about sex, it basically works the same for all mammals.

“But he was very persuasive, saying ‘Don’t you care that your habitat could be under threat?’ and ‘It’s as natural as going to the watering hole’.

“As a prey animal I’m used to things looking at me hungrily but what I saw in David’s eyes was a different kind of appetite.”

Six month-old leopard slug Emma Bradford said: “I found the attention flattering – most people aren’t that interested in gastropods.

“But David was like, ‘We will need to show all aspects of your life cycle.’ I didn’t know what he meant at first, then he did a hand gesture mimicking two invertebrates in the throes of passion.

“He’s not a national treasure, he’s a grubby old sod with chipped fingernails.”



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You two-faced bastards, say athletes

ATHLETES have accused Britain of lying through its teeth this summer about getting into track and field.

Standing in a foggy, deserted concrete stadium with a half-gravelled running track, a consortium of athletes accused the public of not giving a shit any more about anything that isn’t football or X Factor.

Decathlete Roy Hobbs said: “When I came 12th in the Olympics my local pub put on a disco with finger buffet, but now when I ask if they’re going to be at my next meet, they look at me like I’ve asked for a go on their wife.

“We helped boost your economy but I suppose it was just a summer fling to you. Well, go back to your overpaid racists and see if I care.

“Come and see me at Milton Keynes next month?”