Autumn colours spectacular and all that shit

THIS year’s autumn leaves are looking amazing if that’s the kind of thing you’re into.

Big trees like oaks, as well as other smaller trees whose names you do not know, have seen their leaves change colour from green to an orangey-brown that are probably like the dawn or something, if you are prone to whimsy.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Definitely the leaves are looking pretty great, at least to the leaf enthusiast.

“Personally I couldn’t give a fuck.

“But that’s just me. I don’t want to piss on anyone’s chips.

“If you are the sort of person who likes to take a million digital photos, fiddle with them in Photoshop then send them to your local BBC in the hope one might end up as a backdrop to the weather bulletin, you are good to go.”

He added: “The biggish leaves that look like hands are especially good this year, apparently they’re ‘vibrant’ or something.

“Go and have a look, if you want. Get some conkers while you’re at it.”

Amateur poet Nikki Hollis said: “I love all that leaf shit, I fucking go nuts for it.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Power Thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

Power Alter Egos

Often in our office lives we convince ourselves we’re too scared to do the things we really should. Whether it’s asking for that promotion, telling your boss you just can’t handle any more work or giving Linda on reception a picture of ourselves in swimwear, we just bottle out.

A while ago I was lucky enough to be introduced to a guru in eastern Wiltshire who put me on to the concept of creating an alter ego who is capable of doing the things we’re too afraid to do ourselves. Geoff the guru, who is also an excellent plumber, explained that many celebrities use alter egos to separate their public lives from their lives at home. Cammy, for example, is actually a shy retiring man who could never make the tough decisions needed to protect the wealthy elite that his alter ego David Cameron can.

At the time of our meeting I was on a second audition for Dragon’s Den. Although I wasn’t technically a millionaire (a lot of my assets were tied up in a novelty sweet that was yet to come onto the market) I explained to the producers that I was more attractive than Debra Meaden and could easily have taken Theo Pathitis in a fight and they agreed. Aside from a nervous twitch that developed on camera and calling Duncan Bannatyne a dog’s lipstick in my initial screen test the producers knew I had that star quality and called me back for a second test.

I was up for weeks with nerves before the screen test. In the first one, although it went well, Peter Jones gave me a look that seemed to cut right into my soul and mouthed the words ‘you’re an idiot’. I couldn’t get past it, my confidence was at an all time low. I phoned Geoff the guru for help and he reminded me of the alter ego technique. That night Theone Davis was born. Theone, which also stands for The One, was my alter ego. Theone wouldn’t be intimidated by Peter Jones, Theone wouldn’t just laugh uncontrollably at contestants for the way they looked like Dr Morris.

As it transpired the producers got very confused by the name change. Theone also got really intimidated by Peter Jones as I had made the mistake of not making Theone my alter ego different enough from my actual ego. I made Theone a fierce vegetarian and what I should have made him was better at business and stronger in the upper torso.

I still think the show is poorer for not having Dr Morris O’Connor or Theone involved. Learn from my mistake and start creating your alter ego now.

Dr Morris O’Connor is the best selling author of How Dragons Den Could Have Been Way Better Than It Is.