Bear jailed for smuggling marmalade to Peru

THE spectacled bear arrested at Paddington Station with a suitcase full of preserves has pleaded guilty to smuggling a prohibited substance.

The bear, who was on his way to Heathrow, was carrying more than 36 jars of thick-cut orange shred marmalade concealed in a secret compartment of his suitcase.

Police officer Stephen Malley said: “My suspicions were aroused because the bear was wearing a heavy duffle coat and hat while sweating profusely.”

Investigations led to a property in Windsor Gardens, recently abandoned, previously occupied by the Brown family and regularly visited by a sinister Hungarian who called himself Mr Gruber.

Officer Malley continued: “According to neighbours the family claim to have taken the bear in after he was abandoned at a lost property office, but we’re pretty sure this is just a cover for a people-smuggling operation.

“He refuses to give us his name so we’ve nicknamed him after the station he was arrested at, though how his cellmates will take the instruction to PLEASE LOOK AFTER THIS BEAR is entirely up to them.”

According to Peruvian police, once in the country the raw marmalade would have been cut with jam to make more than 5,400 marmalade sandwiches with a street value of over £100,000.

Naturalist Joanna Kramer said: “There’s no more pathetic sight than a spectacled bear selling itself for sex at a roadside, reduced to a whore for its next orangey hit.

“We operate a rehab facility here in Darkest Peru where we wean them off the addiction, back onto their natural diet of unrefined cocaine.”

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I could burst into a vomit-inducing Disney song at any moment

Dear Holly,

I’ve been a bit naughty and experimented with some recreational substances. Although I’ve now sorted myself out and ‘got clean’, I worry that people will think I’m just a bit of a tit without half a gram of ching shoved up my nose – unless I’m off my tits I’m liable to burst into a vomit-inducing Disney song at any given moment. 

Zac Efron 


Dear Zac,

We’ve all been there. You start off with a few Ribenas before Brownies and next thing you know, you’ve eaten a whole packet of wine gums and most of a Wham bar, and you’re talking absolute nonsense and offering to give Brown Owl a head massage. You might think you’re the life and soul of the party by attempting a vigorous and ironic breakdance to Taps but if you want to be allowed back next time, you’d better get your act together, pronto.

Hope that helps!