Big fat cat is totally body-confident

AN OVERWEIGHT cat is not at all self-conscious about it, he has confirmed.

Massive cat Oscar has no problems with weighing 48 per cent more than the vet reckons he should, even if local kids body-shame him with names like ‘Fat Puss’ and ‘Commander Tubs’.

He said: “I’m a greedy bastard and I don’t give a fuck.

“If I spot a Cornetto wrapper in the kitchen bin I’ll drag it out and lick that sucker clean, because that’s how I operate. It’s shame-free bin dining.

“My motto is ‘more food’. It’s a simple belief system but it works for me.”

However Oscar denied that he was actively helping to empower other larger cats.

He said: “I don’t like any other cats, especially the fat ones because they’re clearly getting treats that could be mine.”


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Brexiters struggling to think of anyone they like  

FANATICAL Brexit supporters are hard-pressed to think of any group in society they do not hate, they have admitted.

After Bank of England chief Mark Carney became the latest target for Brexiters, diehard Leave voters have begun to realise there is almost no one in the world they agree with or like.

Sales manager Mary Fisher said: “Obviously I hate Remain traitors and all immigrants except Australians. Actually they’re a bit full of themselves so I hate them too, the cocky fuckers.

“I hate all politicians, everyone in the NHS because they are lefty whiners, the police because they keep giving me speeding tickets, mums with babies, teachers, joggers, the Welsh and superheroes.

“There are a few groups you’d expect me to like but I don’t, such as successful businesspeople, the Tories for being too left-wing and the entire British Army, who’ve gone soft.

“I like other Brexit supporters, except the ones I despise such as my neighbour Gerald, with his lah-di-dah engineering degree from Loughborough.

“I guess that just leaves me. Clearly I’m great.”