Government to approve any bullshit that sounds impressive

AFTER approving a third runway at Heathrow, the government has decided to press ahead with any idiotic project that sounds impressive.

A number of wasteful ‘prestige’ projects have been given the go-ahead on the basis of whether they make politicians feel important, cost a lot and are called something like ‘Excalibur’.

Transport secretary Chris Grayling said: “I’m proud to announce that Britain will soon have Leviathan, the world’s largest multi-storey car park, located in the picturesque holiday resort of St Ives.

“With 250 floors and the ability to hold more than a million cars, it is fucking massive and therefore good.

“The North of England will not miss out, thanks to a new 20-lane motorway between Bolton and Chorley, with the £50 billion cost expected to be recouped by increased sales of Chorley cakes.

“The biggest project is the world’s first commercial spaceport in Colchester, which will have docking facilities for space vehicles ranging from Millennium Falcon-style freighters to vast exploration vessels powered by warp drives.

“Naysayers have claimed spaceships like this do not exist, but frankly that’s irrelevant so long as I can ponce around in a hard hat.”

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Man who is quite good at guitar thinks he’s amazing

A MAN who is competent on the guitar thinks he is unbelievable, it has emerged.

Tom Booker, who plays in local covers band The Railroad Gang, is at a level where he can reproduce other people’s songs in a competent but uninspired way.

Booker said: “I’d describe my style of guitar playing as ‘the bollocks’. Beautiful music just flows out of me.

“Any instrument that I ever picked up I could play within two hours, including the one that looks like a massive violin.”

Booker’s highly localised worldview, based on playing only at local pubs to a small audience of family members and easily pleased drunks, is believed to contribute to his high self-esteem.

Booker added: “I’d probably be amazing at writing books and painting pictures too, if I ever fancied a go at that.

“At our last gig we sold four CDs which is a new record. We’ve only got about eight boxes of them left.”