Bohemian, middle-class household just dirty

A HOUSEHOLD that describes itself as ‘bohemian’ just needs to tidy up and push the hoover round, guests have agreed.

Ceramic artist Susan Traherne tells anyone who enters the house that the family lives a bohemian lifestyle, which appears to mean that cereal bowls sit on piles of books for days without being washed up.

Friend Tom Booker said: “Bohemian means arty, eclectic, unconventional and apparently drifts of dog hair in every corner and a toilet tank without a lid on.

“I hate to sound like some kind of square, but is dusting really so incompatible with the creative temperament? Does being a free-thinker necessarily mean dirty paint-pots next to the kitchen sink for six months at a stretch?

“It is possible to smoke spliffs and also empty the ashtray. I know, I’ve seen it done.”

Nine-year-old Isiah Traherne says: “My mum says we’re a bohemian household, so it doesn’t matter if the cat litter tray is always full of mummified turds because I’m allowed to do drawing.

“When she’s out my sister and me have this game where we pretend to live somewhere nice.”

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May appoints Minister for Contradicting Brexit Ministers

THERESA May has created a Cabinet post specifically charged with denying all statements by the ministers in charge of Brexit. 

The prime minister created the position after finding herself continually dragged away from her own screw-ups to deal with the incompetence of Boris Johnson, Liam Fox or David Davis.

The new minister, Julian Cook, said: “When you’ve got three different Cabinet members separately working on Brexit, each of them without a hint of a clue, refuting their idiotic public statements is a full-time job.

“I have a staff of 22, plus interns, monitoring them 24 hours a day. It’s an incredibly heavy workload, but it’s vital – sorry, got to go. David Davis just said the UK will stay in the movement market but demands unrestricted freedom of singles.

“Seriously, we don’t get five minutes.”

Theresa May said: “With Julian in place, I have more time to refine my own Brexit plan, which I am currently keeping secret.

“Just to clarify, I definitely have a firm, intelligent plan which I am confident the British people will fully support. I don’t not have a plan. I’m just keeping it secret.”